


Damn the Luck...

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-06
Updated: 2009-11-10
Packaged: 2018-09-08 01:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8825158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Jared is sick, Jensen wants him to get better. So does Kripke. Things get really bad when Jensen takes Jared home, and Jared gets worse... Tear jerker, people. You've been warned. Works up to the rating, wait for it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

"CUT!"

 

Jared sighed and slummed on the hood of the car, breathing hard, "Sorry, guys. I dunno what's wrong."

 

Jensen studied him and walked over, "Jared, what's going on with you?"

 

Jared looked at him and smiled weakly, "I'm fine, man, don't worry about it."

 

"Jared... You aren't fine; you're pale, you're tired, you're sore... You're sick, dude."

 

Jared shrugged, a grimace crossing his features, "I'll be fine, been sick before, and I'm sure I will be again."

 

Jensen shook his head, "That doesn't mean you shouldn't take care of yourself, Jay. Let me go talk to Kripke, I'm sure if he knew-"

 

"Jen, stop it, I'm fine. Well, I'm not, but I will be, so stop worrying."

 

"Jay-"

 

" _Jen_." Jared said sharply, "Let. It. Go."

 

Jensen stared at him a moment longer, and then through up his hands in surrender. "Fine."

 

"Padalecki! What the hell is going on with you?"

 

Jared sighed as he heard Eric's voice ring out. "Nothing, it's nothing."

 

"You're tired all the time, at first, I thought you had the flu, but you've been like this weeks. What it going on with you? Is it Sandy?"

 

"What? No. We broke up ages ago. I'm tired because you've got us working all the time-"

 

"I've got you working all the time, because you always blow shots. Are you smoking?"

 

"No, not smoking, why?"

 

"You run out of breath walking around the car. What's going on with you? You fell asleep mid take yesterday."

 

"I'm tired because you've got us working 'round the clock!"

 

"I've got you working so much because you keep falling asleep!"

 

Jared rolled his eyes, "Look, this makes no sense. I'm tired because I'm always working, and I'm working because I'm always tired? Look, why don't you give us a week, and I'll be good as new; I just need some R & R."

 

Eric looked at Jensen and Jensen shrugged, muttering, "Worth a shot, I guess..."

 

"I'll talk to the network, you have a week. I want you back here at five on Thursday. Clear?"

 

"Crystal." Jared said with a smile, as soon as Kripke was out of hearing distance, he turned to Jensen, "When did you talk to him?"

 

"The same time you did, idiot. I'm not the only one that noticed, Jay; even Shannon and Jeanie have been talking about it... She keeps using darker make-up to counteract how pale you've gotten... Go home, get some sleep and see a damn doctor."

 

Jared shook his head and started towards the costume trailer. "I'm fine."

 

Jared heard Jensen sigh behind him, but just kept walking. He pulled his hoodie and jacket tightly around himself, feeling his shoulders ache in protest. He shivered as he slipped inside and grabbed his clothes. He peeled off the jacket, hoodie and both shirts. He body wracked in shivers. "Damn," he swore, pulling his jeans down. His knees and hips creaked in protest.

 

"Jesus, Jared!"

 

Jared spun around at Jensen's yelp. "What the hell, Jen!"

 

"What the fuck happened to you?"

 

"What are you talking about?" Jared held a pair of jeans covering his boxers.

 

"Look at you!" Jensen gestured to him.

 

Jared shivered, his skin pulling into goose bumps. "What?"

 

"You have bruises everywhere, man... Did you fall down the stairs or something?"

 

Jared chuckled, "Oh, come on. You know as well as I do that you end up with a few more bruises than we'd like on this show."

 

"I've never had that many... Seriously... What? Are you part of a fight club? But you're special, no face hits?"

 

Jared laughed, "Yeah me and Brad Pitt duke it out every night."

 

"Dude, it was always Edward Norton."

 

Jared rolled his eyes, "Point is, I'm fine."

 

"Point is, you look like Sam or Dean would..." Jensen stepped closer, "What is going on with you, Jay? You're tired all the time, and now you've got bruises every where..." He ran a finger across a particularly brutal one over his collar bone.

 

Jared looked down and shrugged. Jensen was right. He had bruises on his arms, legs, torso... But he didn't know where he'd gotten them. Of course, he'd assumed they were from the random rough and tumble shot's they'd been doing... But Jensen was right, there were so many; they couldn't possibly all be from shooting...

 

"Jen," Jared shivered again. "Stop worrying about me, I'll be fine. Okay? I'm going to go home and go to sleep and eat chicken noodle soup and take some NyQuil, okay?"

 

Jensen looked up at him and sighed. "That's the best I'm gonna get?"

 

"Yup."

 

"Then I guess that'll do." As soon as the words passed his lips, Jared realized how close Jensen was standing to him. He shivered again, and Jensen's hand fell from where it was resting on his shoulder. "Right, uh," Jensen cleared his throat, "I'm just gonna... go then. Call me anytime, I'm gonna hang around up here."

 

Jared nodded, "Yeah, me too. I don't think I'm up for flying."

 

Jensen nodded, "Don't hesitate to call me, okay? I'll come pick you up or whatever you need okay?"

 

"If I need a nursemaid, I promise to call."

 

Jensen stopped at the door, his hand on the doorknob. "Yeah... You'd better."

 

Jared shook his head and shivered as Jensen opened the door and walked out. He slowly got dressed and leaned against the wall and sighed, trying to catch his breath.

 

"Shit," he whispered, his body jerking awake. He pushed himself off the wall and reached for his cell, dialing quickly from memory.

 

" _Hello?_ "

 

"Jen? You still on set?"

 

" _Yeah, why? What's up?_ "

 

"Would you mind driving me home? I don't ... Don't want to fall asleep while driving."

 

" _That works, meet you at my car in a few._ "

 

He slipped his phone back into his pocket. Jared stifled a groan as he yawned. Even his jaw hurt. Every joint in his body was sore. That was one reason Jared hated being sick, he didn't get sick much, and when he did it was pretty bad. He'd gotten a few flu bugs since they'd started shooting in Vancouver, but they hadn't been too bad, fucked with his joints though. 

 

He started walking to Jen's car, this was worse. He hadn't ever felt this bad before.

 

He sank into the passenger's seat and closed his eyes. Jensen sat down a few minutes later and put his key in the ignition. He looked over at Jared, who shivered, and then turned the heat all the way up. "Ready? Let's go, then..."

 

Jared laid his head on the cool window next to him and jerked it away, leaning back away from the chill. He closed his eyes...

 

"Jared? Jay... Come on, man, wake up." Jared pulled his eyes open, and squinted. Jensen slowly came into focus. 

 

"Jensen...? You're all sweaty?" 

 

"Well, yeah, man... Heat's all the way up." He wiped his forehead.

 

Jared shivered, he was freezing. He looked at the heat dial... It was all the way up, just like Jensen said it was. "I..."

 

"You're sick, man. You ready to admit it?"

 

Jared shrugged and opened the door. He grimaced against the chill. Jensen walked quickly around the car and helped Jared out.

 

"Jensen, come on, man; I can get inside without your help."

 

"Jay, you're about to fall asleep again, and you're shivering like mad, I'm making sure you get inside and then I'll go... Okay?"

 

Jared nodded and leaned heavily against his co-star. His eye lids fluttering. 

 

Next thing he knew, Jensen was patting down his pockets and unlocking the door. "Okay... Okay, here we go." Jared braced himself on the wall as Jensen closed the door. He allowed himself to be ushered to his bed room. Jensen helped Jared lay down and then tucked him in. Had Jared been fully conscious and all, he was sure that he would have made some kind of joke, but in his weakened state... It was all he could do to appreciate the sweetness of it.

 

"I'm gonna get you some NyQuil and then I'm gonna make you some soup, okay? Okay."

 

Jared made some kind of noise in the back of his throat. It was almost like now that he wasn't at work, and didn't have to pretend anymore... He felt so much more ill. He shivered and closed his eyes again.

 

"Wake up, Jay... Come on... Time for some medicine." Jared opened his bleary eyes and took the box of NyQuil.

 

"I'm gonna go make soup, holler if you need me, okay?"

 

Jared nodded slightly and pulled out a plastic sheet of liqui-gels as Jensen slid off the bed and walked out. He left the door open a crack, letting only the smallest splash of light in.

 

He reached over and opened a bottle of water on his nightstand, putting it back as he fiddled with the pill sheet. As he did the corner nicked his palm.

 

"Damn," he muttered, as it started to bleed. He grabbed a tissue and pressed it against the scratch. His eyes widened slightly as the blood quickly leaked through. He grabbed another tissue and the same thing happened. He pulled the tissues away and looked at his palm. 

 

It was a small cut, a scratch... But it was bleeding profusely. More than it should, that was certain. He pulled out more tissues and bunched them together, pressing them harshly against his palm. He waited a while and then pulled the mass away from his hand. 

 

"Jensen... Jen...?" Jared choked out, "Jen! I'm bleeding!"

 

In a heartbeat, Jensen was at his side. "Lemme see it... That's nothing, that's a scratch, dude. You scared me over this?"

 

"It....it won't stop, Jen."

 

Jensen grabbed a handful of tissues and applied pressure. He wiped a sweaty chunk of hair from Jared forehead and then went back to holding the tissues. After another moment, he moved them and looked. 

 

Slowly but surely blood started to trickle from the small cut. "Fuck me," Jensen breathed, "Okay... Okay, we're gonna go to the hospital. Come on." He wrapped his arm under Jared's and helped him out of bed. "I didn't turn the stove on, so we're just gonna go."

 

"Jen... I don't have any shoes on."

 

"That's okay. Come on," Jared stumbled slightly and Jensen paused and then bent, slipping his arm under Jared's knees. Jared flinched at the pain and then lay against Jensen's chest, cuddling into the warmth he provided.

 

"Jared, Jay... You shouldn't be this light... Have you even been eating?"

 

"Haven't felt good enough... 'm sorry," he mumbled into Jensen's neck.

 

"Don't be sorry... Just fuckin' tell someone, you dumbass."

 

" 'm sick, Jen... I'm really sick." 

 

Jensen made some wounded noise. Jared wasn't sure if the noise was a laugh or a sob. " 'm sorry, Jen."

 

"Shh, just... It's okay... It's going to be _okay_. It's gotta be okay..."

 

Jared felt the seat beneath him before he even realized Jensen had opened the door or unlocked the car and opened that door... He flinched as the door slammed next to him and the watched Jensen walk around the front and slide into the seat next to him.

 

His shivers jolted himself awake as they pulled up next to the emergency room. Jensen flipped on the hazard lights and walked around to the passenger's side and helped Jared out. He ushered him in and sat him down in a seat before going to talk to the nurse. Jared tried to pay attention to what was happening around him, but he couldn't focus. 

 

"Stupid bitch, gave me the run around." Jared turned towards Jensen, "What about your car?"

 

Jensen shrugged the concern off, "I gave some kid twenty bucks to park it."

 

"Is that smart?"

 

"Probably not, but I'd rather not leave you alone."

 

"OHMIGOD!" Jared blinked at the screech. "JARED PADALECKI! JENSEN ACKLES! OHMIGOD!"

 

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Jensen growled as the nurse started jumping up and down. 

 

"Jen... Chill... She's just... Just a fan."

 

"Ohmigod... What's wrong with him?" She asked, her smile faltering as she came closer to Jared. 

 

"We don't know, that's kinda why we're here."

 

"Well, come on; I can get you in no problem."

 

Jensen stood up quickly -all smiles now- and turned to help Jared. "No, I'm gonna wait my turn."

 

"Jay-"

 

"That man has a screw driver... In his hand... If he can wait, so can I."

 

"Jay-"

 

Jared stood up to argue his point, "Jen... I'm not any better than anybody else... Just because... 'Cause she knows... my... na..." Jared trailed off and collapsed, hitting his arm on the chair as he fell.

 

When he came to again, he looked up at Jensen. "Come on, man, we got a room."

 

"The... the man?"

 

"He's fine, come on, we need to get you up."

 

" 'kay..."

 

Next thing Jared knew he was letting Jensen help him out of his clothes and into a hospital gown. Then he was in the bed under a shit load of blankets. 

 

"Hey... I stopped bleeding..." Jared said stupidly, looking at his palm.

 

"That's good, Jay, that's real good."

 

"Does that mean we can go home now?"

 

"No, Jay, that means we're going to figure out what's wrong with you."

 

"Oh... Okay..." Jared leaned back against the pillow and watched Jensen pace.

 

"Hi, everyone awake now?"

 

"Yeah," Jared said, and watched as the nurse walked in.

 

"Okay, I'm just going to- Wow... That's a helluva a bruise, where did you get that, Mr. Padalecki?"

 

"I hit the chair... When... When I passed out, I hit the chair, 'member?"

 

"Do you always bruise that easily?"

 

Jared half shrugged as she shone the light in his eyes, "Lately, yeah."

 

"I'm going to take some blood, okay? You're going to feel a sharp pinch-" Jared flinched as she pierced his skin, "I'm going to take this to get some work done, and I'll send a doctor in with the results within an hour or so, okay?"

 

"He's not gonna stop bleeding."

 

"What?"

 

"He's... He's not going to stop bleeding... That's why we came here, he scratched his hand and wouldn't stop bleeding."

 

She looked at him, and then looked at Jared. He nodded, "It wasn't because he's sick?"

 

"Um, no... I mean, that's why he's here now though..."

 

She looked at Jensen and then back at Jared. "..."

 

"So, he's a Hemophiliac?"

 

Jared shook his head, "No... I just won't stop bleeding." He looked down at his arm, sure enough a slow trickle of blood darkened his otherwise pale skin. She walked over to a cabinet on the wall and pulled out a stack of gauze and a roll of medical tape. She taped the thick pad to his arm and walked back towards the door. "That should hold him until we figure out if he needs a transfusion or what-not. I'm going to talk to his doctor and put a rush on his blood. The doctor working his case should be in shortly."

 

Jensen nodded at her as she stepped out. He walked over to the chair next to Jared's bed and Jared looked over at him, smiling slightly. "I'm fine, Jensen."

 

"You passed out, Jay."

 

"Stood up too fast."

 

"I carried you to the car."

 

"Haven't been eating."

 

"You have a fever."

 

"I'm sick... I know that, but I'll be fine. Everyone gets sick every now and then, Jen..." he chuckled, "I rhymed."

 

Jensen shook his head and Jared closed his eyes, barely able to comprehend what Jensen said as he fell asleep. "You're the one in the freakin' hospital bed, and you're the one comforting me..."

 

"Hmm?" Jared jerked awake.

 

"The doctor, he knows what's wrong, right, Doc?"

 

"Indeed. Mr. Paladecki?"

 

"Padalecki," corrected both men in unison.

 

"My mistake... Well, Mr. Padalecki, you waited a good long time to come in didn't you? Your fever could actually have killed you, however... In some twisted sense, we're lucky you waited this long, if you hadn't we might not have known what to look for."

 

Jensen cocked his head to the side, "What to look for? There's more than just the fever?"

 

The doctor nodded, and all of a sudden dread filled Jared. He'd never even said what his name was.

 

"You've been bruising easily? Bleeding freely, yes?" Jared nodded, his tongue felt ten times larger than it should. "Not sleeping much, but feeling exhausted? I'm guessing your joints hurt as well? And we know you have a high fever and pale complection..."

 

Jared pulled in a sharp breath, heart racing. "Get on with it already," Jensen said sharply, obviously as fed up with the slow pace as Jared was.

 

"Mr. Padalecki... I'm sorry, but it appears you have leukemia... We have to run more tests to determine what type and how sever your case is..." Jared laid back in the bed, the rest of the good doctors words washed out by a swooshing sound he was sure his mind was producing.

 

Leukemia... He had leukemia...

 

Well, holy shit, wasn't expecting that.


	2. Chapter 2

DEDICATION: Wow, I thought it would be hard to pick just one person to dedicate this story to, but it's not. At all. Because there is only one person that I want to dedicate it to. Just recently registered, but under the name of "fawkes" has been reading and reviewing my fics for quite a while. And I've really come to enjoy reading the reviews left to me by that particular fan. This fan went out of the way to not only register, but to let me know what their new name was. "broken wings". And not only did you register, but I was freakin' ecstatic to see that of the *ONE* authors, stories, and series that you favorite-d... I was the one. And so, I dedicate this to you. You rock. My socks!

 

\-----

 

Chapter 2

 

\-----

 

Jensen stood up, and Jared turned to look at him. "He has _what_?"

 

"Leukemia," the doctor repeated, "Once we know more about his specific case, we should be able to get him into remission as this is only his first encounter with the disease."

 

"No, you're wrong," Jensen said, running a hand through his hair, "Jay -Jared- he can't have leukemia. It's not possible. It's just, _no_."

 

"I'm sorry, but-"

 

"NO! You're wrong! Run more tests! Do what ever you have to, but he doesn't have leukemia! He can't!"

 

"Look, sir... I'm sorry, but he does. I understand that this has come to a shock to you, and you are most likely going through the first stage of grief-"

 

"Hey! Don't play shrink with me! You don't understand. Jared, he can't have leukemia. He just can't. He's the nicest guy that I've ever met. He's untouched by so much in this world. Which isn't so say that he hasn't been touched by darkness, but he hasn't let it consume him like it does with everyone else. So why him? Hmm? Why the fuck did it pick him?! Answer me! 

 

"Oh, that's right! You _can't_!" Jared watched Jensen scream at the doctor. "Anger," he said simply. Jensen looked down at the doctor, "What?"

 

"The second stage is anger."

 

"Whatever," Jensen said, and walked back to his seat next to Jared. He sat down and pulled the younger man's hand into his, "Look, it's going to be okay, Jay. We'll figure something out. We'll get the best doctors and the best medicine and if you get better we'll start a charitable foundation and we'll help more people, okay?"

 

"Bargaining."

 

"Shut up!" Jensen hissed, turning back to Jared. "Why aren't you saying anything, Jay? What, you don't want to fight this? You just want it to kill you? Fine, if that's what you want, fine. We'll just sit back and let it happen. If you don't care what happens then neither do I. We'll just sit here and let it kill you."

 

"Depression."

 

"Shut. Up." Jensen said, and ran a hand through his hair, and looked back at Jared. And Jared looked back at him and put his hand over Jensen's. 

 

"Jen... It's okay. I'll be okay."

 

"Okay." Jensen said quietly, "We can do this. You and me..."

 

"Acceptance."

 

Jensen clenched his jaw but didn't say a word. Jared started giggling. Jensen looked at him in utter confusion, "What the hell?"

 

"I think that that is the fastest anyone has ever gone through the five stages of grief," Jared continued to giggle.

 

It was three days later before Jared could go home. They'd run as many tests as they could with him having a stomach virus on top of his leukemia. They took some of his bone marrow to test and once his fever was down, they released him into Jensen's custody, for want of a better term.

 

"Okay," Jensen said, helping the weakened man out of the car. "What's first?"

 

"I was thinking that I'd shower. I'm not allowed to take a bath, which is what I'd really like to do, just soak. Anyways, after that I thought I'd call up Chad, ask him to come up and visit me so I could tell him..."

 

"Okay, want me to tell Kripke?"

 

"No! I mean... Well, no... I don't want to be the guy with leukemia. Until it's going to interfere with my work, I don't think that anyone needs to know."

 

"Jared... We got the week off because it was fucking with your work... We have to tell him something."

 

"Fine... Call him and have him come over later. But... Look, don't tell anyone else okay? When Chad gets here, I'll tell him and then we can have him and Mikey and Tommy over... But... No one else okay?"

 

"I, um, I kinda already told someone else."

 

"Chris?"

 

"Yeah." Jared looked at him and nodded, "I'm sorry, Jay... I just needed to have someone to lean on for a while there when they had you knocked out with the antibiotics."

 

"It's okay, just... He knows not to tell anyone else, right?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Okay." Jared shrugged, "I'm sorry I'm counting on you so much, Jen."

 

Jensen shook his head, "Don't be stupid, Jay. I wish I didn't have to be here for you like this, only because I wish you didn't need me here because you shouldn't have to go through any of this... But since you are it's not like I can really be mad at you for wanting me here. And, frankly, I'd be pissed if you pushed me away."

 

Jared looked at him. "Okay, I'm gonna shower and stuff... You sure you don't mind calling Eric?"

 

"Nah, I don't mind." 

 

Jared clapped him on the shoulder. "Thanks, Jen."

 

When Jared was done with his shower, he sank onto Jensen's bed.

 

"...Jay? Come on, man. Kripke's here. You need to get dressed."

 

Jared sat up groggily and looked down. Luckily his towel was still secured around his hips. "How long have I been out?"

 

"Couple hours is my guess. Did you call Chad?"

 

Jared shook his head, "Not yet... I fell asleep... Sorry."

 

"Jay... Stop apologizing, none of this is your fault."

 

"Sor..." he stopped mid-word with a sheepish grin. "I'm gonna get dressed and call Chad, be down in a few, 'kay?"

 

"Okay, I grab Kripke a beer or something." Jensen tossed a wave over his shoulder and walked out. Jared pulled the phone off the bed side table and dialed Chad's cell phone number.

 

" _Murray._ "

 

"Hey, Chad; it's me."

 

" _Jared! What's going on, man?_ "

 

"A lot... Look, remember when I flew over and stayed with you a week after the whole Sophia thing and you said if I ever needed you to, you would do the same?"

 

" _Jared, what's going on?_ " Jared hated that Chad sounded so serious now, but knew that this wasn't one of those things you could do over the phone.

 

"I just... I need you, okay? The sooner the better."

 

" _I'll be there tomorrow morning at the latest._ "

 

"Thanks, Chad," Jared murmured, knowing that Chad had already hung up, started making arrangements.

 

He sighed and stood up, rifling through the bag Jensen had packed for him. He looked down at his trim frame, the muscles had deteriorated slightly and the weight he'd lost when he was sick... He clenched his jaw slightly. 

 

He pulled on a pair of jeans... They were loose, so loose. He swallowed thickly. 

 

It was almost as if this had proved how sick he was. Like the bone marrow testing, Jensen's constant presence by his side at the hospital, the fever... They hadn't meant anything, but this... His pants not fitting... That was all the proof he needed. He blinked back the tears. 

 

_No._

 

Jared refused to break down. Not now, not like this... He was stronger than this, he could beat this.

 

He tied his belt tightly around his hips, keeping his jeans in place. Then he pulled on a long sleeved t-shirt and a gray polo on over that.

 

He glanced into the mirror and sighed. "Now or never," he muttered, and walked out of the bedroom.

 

When he got to Jensen's living room, Jensen made like he was going to stand up to help him, so Jared shook his head minutely, knowing that that would freak Eric out even more. He walked in and sank on to the couch next to Jensen, across from Eric.

 

"What's going on with you, Jared? You've had us all worried."

 

"Well, you were right, I was sick. I had a stomach virus... But, uh, that... That's not all..." Jared looked down, unable to look at Eric, to see the disappointment he was sure that he would find written there. Jensen reached over and gently wrapped his hand around Jared's.

 

"Jared?" Eric's voice was quiet... As serious as Jared had ever heard it.

 

Jared lifted his head, trying to ignore that as he did tears had slipped down his cheeks. "I... I have leukemia."

 

Eric sat back hard, jaw dropped. Jensen slid a scotch across the table and Eric pounded it back. 

 

They sat like that for a while.

 

"Eric... Please... Say something." Jared's voice was small. Jensen's griped tightened for a moment.

 

"I... I don't know what to say." He looked at the man before him, looked at Jared and didn't recognize him. The Jared Padalecki that he knew was strong... But this... He was a frightened little boy, and Eric didn't know what to say... How to act. "When did you find out?"

 

"A few days ago... Jen was with me when I got the news, I'm not allowed to leave his sight; that's why I'm here."

 

"Is... I don't know, is there anything I can do?"

 

"Actually, yes," Jensen said before Jared could shake his head. "I've been sneaking out while Jay slept to feed and let Harley and Sadie out. I know Jay would like to have them here, but he bruises so easily now... Just... Would you mind looking after them for a while? Just until I get an okay from the doctor to say that he can have them around again?"

 

"Of course, anything. Anything at all. You're sure there's nothing else?"

 

"Yeah... Please... Don't tell anyone else. I don't want them to hear it from anyone but me and I'm not ready to tell anyone else just yet.”

 

Eric nodded, "Sure, Jared, not a problem at all. Are you sure you don't need anything else? I can pick up food or something?"

 

"No, that's okay," Jensen said, "I had Chris grab some, but thanks Krip... It means a lot that... Well, just thanks."

 

"Anything for you guys. Tell me if you ever need anything else. Seriously don't hesitate to call."

 

"I'll walk you out," Jensen gently laid Jared's hand down and stood up, "I'll be right back."

 

Jared nodded. He knew that Eric probably had questions that he didn't want to burden Jared with right now, but knew that Jen would have the same information. Sure enough it was upwards of thirty minutes before Jensen came back.

 

"Sorry about that," he said.

 

"Don't be stupid. I knew he had questions that he didn't think I'd want to answer just yet. Jen..."

 

"Hey, if I can't be sorry neither can you, right?" Jared nodded. "So, what do you want to do tonight... Perhaps you could, I don't know... Call your parents and tell them you have leukemia?"

 

Jared shook his head, "No, I was thinking we could watch a movie instead."

 

"Jay-"

 

"Jen... Please... Let's just relax, okay? I promise I'll explain it sometime, and soon, but not now... Not tonight."

 

Jensen shifted his weight from one foot to the other, "Soon?"

 

"Soon," Jared nodded.

 

"Well, alright then."

 

"I know you don't like it, but trust me... It's for the best at the moment."

 

Jensen nodded grudgingly and handed Jared the remote. "You pick the flick and I'll get the popcorn." Jared nodded and flipped through the movie channels. 'Fight Club' was on, but... Nah... Jensen would know that backwards and forwards... Hmm... He kept flipping... _Score!_

 

"Hit the lights on the way in," Jared called, que-ing up the movie. It started in two minutes. 

 

It never ceased to amaze him that even though he was an actor, he could still get really drawn into movies. Especially one with really great actors in them. When Jensen walked back in he hit the lights and sat down next to Jared. 

 

"Okay, what're we watching?"

 

"No mocking. Period. None."

 

Jensen looked at Jared and quirked an eye brow, he snagged the remote off the table and hit the info button. "Please _please_ tell me you're joking."

 

"Nope," Jared said, leaning back and propping his feet up on the edge of the table. "I've never seen it and I like one of the actors a lot. Plus, it says it's a comedy, and I thought we could use a laugh."

 

"Which actor?" Jensen asked as the credits from the last movie started rolling.

 

"Alan Rickman."

 

"Seriously?"

 

"Hell yes! Have you heard his voice?"

 

"Um, yeah; it screams 'tea and crumpets'..."

 

Jared shook his head and didn't fight the urge to lick his lips, "More like it's melted chocolate for the soul..."

 

Jensen started laughing, "Dude, you will never think that again if you watch this."

 

Jared looked at him, "You've seen this?"

 

"Um, yeah." Jensen said, in a very 'Duh' tone of voice. "I'm surprised you haven't. Some great lines in this one."

 

"So why shouldn't we watch it then?"

 

"Hey, you're the one with the man crush on Alan Rickman, I'm just trying to warn you that you will never see him the same again."

 

"Do not mock my crush on Alan Rickman! Dude's hot!"

 

Jensen looked at him, and Jared looked back, almost waiting for the question he knew was coming, _Crush?_ But the question never came. Instead Jensen shrugged. "Fine, but I warned you."

 

Jared smiled, about time he got him to agree to something. The movie started and Jared looked at Jensen, unconsciously scooting closer to him. Jensen glanced at him, and Jared whipped his gaze to the screen. Next thing he knew, Jensen's arm was around his shoulders, laying on the couch save his hand which laid softly on Jared's shoulder. Jared smiled and let himself get drawn into the film.

 

"No..." he said, sitting up, leaning toward the screen, "No!"

 

"Oh, yeah," Jensen said, a smile in his voice. "That's Alan Rickman."

 

Jared looked again and started laughing. He couldn't stop, and soon enough he had Jensen laughing along with him, "It's Alan Rickman in a plastic head!"

 

Through out the movie, Jared would randomly start laughing when Alexander Dane appeared on screen, "Alan Rickman in a plastic head..."

 

\-----

 

"Ooo! Ooo! Favorite line! This is my favorite line!"

 

Jared glanced up at him, and realized that at some point he had laid down on Jensen's lap. He also realized that if he moved now it would be really weird for both of them, so he just looked back at the screen. 

 

" _HEY! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! **Is there air?** You don't know!_ "

 

Jensen started giggling, "I'm sorry, but that line is just awesome!"

 

Jared shook his head, and chuckled along with him.

 

After the movie was over, neither man made any indication that they wanted to move.

 

Jared cuddled in closer to Jensen. 

 

"Jay? We should probably get you upstairs to bed."

 

"I'm not tired, and I don't want to move. Throw on another movie." There was a long pause. "Please, Jen?"

 

Jensen looked down at him, "Why not? Uh... Comedy or Action?"

 

"Hmm... Comedy."

 

"Sweet." Jensen keyed in the new channel, "Chosen for two reasons, one because it's a great, and the second is because of your crush on one Alan Rickman."

 

"Aw, you love me!" Jared teased.

 

"Duh," Jensen said, rolling his eyes when Jared poked his tongue out at him. "Disclaimer... No shit! Is this friggin' Dogma! Aw, Jen; you are my hero!"

 

"Like this movie?"

 

"Love it!"

 

\-----

 

_What the hell...?_ That was Jared's first thought upon waking up. He didn't recognize where he was...

 

He lifted his head up, his right hand was curled under his chin and his left arm was his pillow. He looked around and stilled. Jensen was asleep. Under Jared. Jared was laying on top of him.

 

Apparently at some point during Dogma, Jared had passed out, Jensen had done the same... His right leg was bent and leaning against the back of the couch on one side of Jared, and his left leg was off the side. His head was laying on his left arm and his right arm was laying on Jared's back, cradling him. 

 

Jared sighed and laid back down, jolting when he saw Chad dozing on the other couch. He looked at Jensen and then slowly slid out from under his arm and stood up. He gently shook Chad awake.

 

"Hey, man; when did you get in?"

 

Chad glanced at his watch with a yawn, "A couple hours ago... Called your cell a billion times before Ackles finally answered it. He came and got me, wouldn't tell me why I was here, but he did thank me for coming."

 

Jared nodded, "Sorry about that, I, uh, was asleep."

 

"Duh, so what's going on?"

 

Jared shook his head, "Let's get some breakfast and bring it back here, I'll... I'll tell you after we eat."

 

"I'd make it lunch then."

 

"What?"

 

"It's almost three." _Whoa... Again with the copious amounts of sleep..._

 

"Right... Well, I'm gonna wake Jen and then we'll go."

 

"I'll be outside."

 

"Okay... I'll just be a sec." Jared watched Chad walk out of the living room and waited until he heard the front door slam behind his friend before he walked over and crouched painfully next to Jensen.

 

"Hey, Jen?" Jensen murmured. "Jen, I know you hate waking up, but come on... Jen?"

 

Jensen's eyes fluttered open, "Wha...? Where's Chad?"

 

"We're gonna get lunch and then I'm going to tell him... I figured you'd want to grab a shower and stuff while we're out... Call Tommy and Mikey- Unless you want me to?"

 

"No, I'll call them... Thanks for waking me... Did, uh, You sleep well?"

 

"Best I have in a long while," Jared answered honestly. And it was the truth, because even though he'd been more asleep than he had been awake at the hospital... It wasn't restful sleeping, and before that his damn stomach virus had been keeping him up.

 

"Well, alright then," Jensen mumbled, finally sitting up. "What time do you want me to have Tom and Mike come by?"

 

Jared shrugged, "Whatever works for them, I mean, I probably won't be able to stay up too long tonight, but if you want to make a guys night of it, I'm all for that, you know? I figure I crashed somewhere around eleven last night?"

 

Jensen shrugged, "Eleven thirty-ish."

 

"Okay, so have them come by around eight? We'll order pizza, I'll stop and get more hard liquor... I'm guessing beer won't _really_ do it."

 

"Probably not," Jensen agreed.

 

"Hey, why don't you have Chris come by? Offer more support and all? I mean, I've got you and Chad... But you don't really have anyone to lean on..."

 

Jensen snorted, "Please, like you haven't been letting me lean on you just as much as you're leaning on me?"

 

Jared cocked his head to the side in mock confusion.

 

Jensen shook his head and reached out, laying a hand on Jared's shoulder, "I know that this must be scaring the crap out of you, and I know you're hiding how scared you are from me... But it's okay to break down, too, you know..."

 

Jared shook his head, "If I break down, Jen... I'm not sure I'd ever get back up..."

 

"Well... That's understandable... But, you know I'm here for you, too, right?"

 

"Of course... Don't be stupid."

 

Jensen smirked. "You should go, don't want to keep Murray waiting."

 

"You know," Jared said slowly, "You'd think that me having a life-altering disease would at least bring you two to at least act civil but no-oo, can't do that." Jensen looked up at him -half horrified, half amused. "Too soon?"

 

"Yeah," Jensen breathed, "Just a bit."

 

"Sorry."

 

"What did I tell you about that?"

 

"Sor... I'll just, uh, go then, shall I?"

 

"MmHmm." And Jared's heart stopped as Jensen leaned in, his lips inches from Jared's. And then Jared felt like an idiot as Jensen stood up. _Stupid, he hadn't been going for a kiss. Jen is straight, and even with your hints... He probably thinks you are, too..._

 

"Need a hand up?"

 

"Yeah, thanks." Jared hissed as he stood, aching in places he didn't even know he could hurt.

 

"You okay?"

 

"I will be... Don't worry about it."

 

Jensen shook his head, "That's my job, and you're stuck with me."

 

"Somehow, I think I can live with that."


	3. Chapter 3

Jared laughed, the three bags of fast food on his lap, two brown bags of booze sat on the back seat. 

 

"You realize that Ackles would throw a shit fit if he knew I was driving his car, right?" Chad asked, slowing to a stop at a red light.

 

"Nah, I'm pretty sure he knows I'm not driving." He looked over at his friend, "Dude, I know I said I'd never ask again what happened on Dawson's Creek between you and Jen-"

 

"But?" Chad interrupted.

 

Jared shook his head, "No buts. I just... Look, Jen... He's trying, okay? He's my very best friend... And he knows how important you are to me... 

 

“And he's trying... I'm not saying you have to be friends... But if you could at least be civil, it... Well, it would mean a lot to me."

 

"Alright," Chad turned on to Jensen's street. "I'm going to skip right over the use of the extremely girlie nick name and move right on to what's really bothering me; you. What is going on JT? It's really starting to scare the crap out of me."

 

"I know, Chad... I just... I want to eat first and then... And then we'll talk, okay? I just... I need time." Jared knew that telling one of his best friends that he had leukemia would be nothing like telling his boss. Yes, Eric was important to him, but he was still just his boss. 

 

Chad... Chad had been through a lot with Jared, and Jared knew how hard this was going to be for Chad to hear. How hard it had been for him to hear... _For Jen..._

 

They pulled in and had a surprisingly civil lunch, Jensen not cracking one joke at Chad's expense -laughing when Jared did, but he never instigated anything, and Jared was proud of him; because if he knew anything it was how hard it could be to *not* laugh at Chad.

 

Afterwards, Jared wasted as much time as Jensen let him. "The guys are going to be here in about two and a half hours... That gonna be long enough, Jay?"

 

"Should be... Besides, they won't mind hitting back a few with you before I talk to 'em. And I'm sure," Jared said, standing up, "That you won't mind either."

 

"Can't argue with that."

 

Jared looked at Chad, who was leaning against the kitchen sink. "Ready?"

 

Jared bit his lip, "Good question." He turned back to Jen, "We'll be in the bedroom, is that okay?"

 

"That's fine. I'll be... around."

 

Jared nodded and walked slowly to the bedroom, Chad trailing just as slowly behind him. When they got to the master bedroom, Jared held the door open and let Chad in before closing and locking the door behind them.

 

Chad stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, and Jared laughed, sitting on the bed and patting a spot next to him.

 

"What? It's so bad I should be sitting when I hear it?" Chad joked. Jared clasped his hands together and looked at them, didn't say a word. "What, seriously Jared?"

 

"I'm sorry, I know that I'm scaring the crap out of you... But, yeah, you should probably sit down..."

 

Chad sank on to the bed next to him, looking at him through his 'Lucas Scott Brood' (Patent Pending). "Talk to me, Jared."

 

"Remember..." Jared looked at him, a smile on his face, "Remember when we met? I mean, the very first time?"

 

"And I asked you to get me a coffee and you dumped it on my lap when I was trying to flirt with... The brunette... What was her name?"

 

"Shelly... Shelly Cole..."

 

"Right... Right..." Chad chuckled, remembering the semi-burns on his thighs. "Yeah, I remember."

 

"Okay... So, our friendship... Started out as really bad news, right?"

 

"Right...?" The brood was back.

 

"Well, so... This will be the same. It sounds really bad, but in the end... In the end it'll be okay."

 

"Jared?" Chad asked, stopping him before he could speak again.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Is this at all like the time you told me you were gay? You had me all convinced that it was something horrible, and then it just ended up being nothing? Oh, my God; are you with Ackles?!"

 

"Shh!" Jared hissed, silencing his friend, waiting to see if Jensen would come over to see what all the yelling was about. "Okay... I don't think he heard."

 

"Ackles... doesn't know you're gay?"

 

"Um... No, not so much."

 

"Idiot."

 

"Yeah, well." Jared shrugged.

 

"Okay... So if it's not that... Then what is it?"

 

Jared looked at him, into the steel blue gray eyes that were narrowed in concern, "Just remember how our friendship started, and how it is now."

 

"Shit to gold, gotcha. What's up, Jared?"

 

"I..." Jared closed his eyes and then opened them, pulling in a deep breath. "Chad, I have leukemia."

 

Chad blinked. And then he blinked again. After the third silent blink, Jared had to say something. "Chad? Please... Say something."

 

"I... You... _What?_ "

 

"I have leukemia. The doctors haven't called me with the tests results and let me know exactly what kind I have... But I have-"

 

"Leukemia. You have _leukemia_...? _You_ have leukemia..." Jared nodded, looking back down at his hands. He felt really alone, and then Chad laid his hand on top of Jared's. "It'll... It'll be okay, Jared..."

 

Jared looked at him, and nodded, "Yeah... I'm sure it will be."

 

\-----

 

Jared and Chad were now laying on the bed side by side, giggling hysterically. "I still can't believe Nut-Clopse pissed all over your new truck, dude.”

 

"Hey! His name is Ozzie, dick wad."

 

"Whatever, he'll always be Nut-Clopse to me," Jared smiled angelically, before they both started giggling again. Jared let Chad get the door when someone knocked. He knew after losing his breath like that, well, there was simply no way he'd be able to get to the door and remain standing.

 

"Yeah?" Chad asked, his chuckles dying down slightly as he pulled the door open.

 

Jensen was standing in the hall. "Look," he said quietly. "I'm glad you two are bonding, but... 

 

“Well, Tom and Mikey don't really know why they're here, but I do, so it's kinda hard for me to sit there and act like I don't know what's about to happen."

 

Chad nodded, "Sorry about that, we'll be out as soon as Jared catches his breath. ... Thanks, Jensen."

 

Jared sat up and looked at Chad when he walked back to the bed. He shrugged, "You asked me to try. Plus, I have the idea that you and him are going to be pretty much insperable."

 

"Sounds about right." Jared agreed.

 

"I'm guessing you had Tom and Mike come over so you could tell them?" Chad asked, and they were both totally serious now.

 

"Yeah... We go out after work, hang out, you know? And with this... Well, I won't be hanging out much for a while and, well, I guess I don't want to lie to them." Chad nodded, "Hey, Jared?"

 

"Yeah?" he asked, standing up slowly, swearing he could hear his joints creaking in pain.

 

"Did you... Have you told your parents?" he asked. Jared shook his head, "Does Jensen know why you haven't told them? Or does he think that you did tell them?"

 

"He knows that I haven't told them, but doesn't know why... I'm trying to take it one step at a time, Chad... I'll tell him when things cool down a little... Just, I can't... Not right now."

 

Chad nodded, "Well, you ready?"

 

"No."

 

"Now?" he asked again after a beat.

 

"Yeah, I guess I have to be." Chad nodded sadly, yeah; he guessed he did.

 

Chad walked down to the living room behind Jared, and Mikey and Tom were please to see Jared, didn't care either way if Chad was there. 

 

"HEY!!!" Tom and Mike bellowed when he entered.

 

"Not nice to keep a lady waiting, Jared," Mike said, "Just ask Tom; he's pissed."

 

Jared chuckled as Tom whipped a pillow at Mike's head.

 

"Guys, knock it off. Jay's got something he has to tell you."

 

Tom and Mike heard Chad's tone, and looked over at Jensen who was looking just as serious as he had all night. "Jared?"

 

"What's going on, Jared?" Mike asked, more serious than Jared had ever seen him; looking less like Mikey and more like his alter-ego Lex.

 

Jared looked at them both, two of his friends looking more concerned than they ever had, and all of sudden he felt tears in his eyes.

 

Chad wrapped an arm around him and Jensen stood up and pulled him into a hug. "It's okay, Jay," he murmured.

 

Jared squeezed Jensen tightly for a moment and then nodded, "I can do this."

 

He walked further in and sat down on the couch across from Mike and Tom. Chad sat on his left side, his arm on the back of the couch around him, and Jensen sat on his right, holding his hand between both of his.

 

Jared felt his lip quivering, and clenched his jaw, fought it back. He looked at Tom and then Mike and back to Tom. He pulled in a deep breath, "You'd think this would get easier."

 

If Jared was trying to ease some of the tension... 

 

Well, it didn't work.

 

At all. 

 

If anything Mike and Tom started to look more concerned. He released his breath slowly, closing his eyes and then opened them, and told them what he had to say.

 

"I have... I have leukemia. The doctors can't swear on it because the tests aren't back yet, but since this is my first time they say I should go into remission after a few rounds of chemo..."

 

Tom sat back hard on the couch, and Mike stayed exactly where he was; leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, glass of scotch held loosely in his hands. Then he pounded it back, and set the glass on the table, "Jensen, you need anything you call me, okay? No exceptions."

 

"Jensen?" Chad asked.

 

Mike shrugged, "Well, yeah. Jensen's going to be taking care of Jared, so I'm guessing he's going to be the one that knows what's needed, and when."

 

Chad nodded, "Makes sense."

 

Jensen shook his head and Jared chuckled. 

 

"So... You're okay?" Tom asked quietly, "I mean... You aren't going to go all Sammy on us, are you?"

 

Jared shook his head, "I promise."

 

Tension eased a little after that, there was a big elephant in the room, but no one had answers... 

 

So....it just stayed there and they moved on. By the time an hour or two had passed the were pretty much just goofing off.

 

So, when Jen's phone rang he was half laughing when he answered, "Hello?" and all traces of a smile were gone. "No, this is fine. I did ask you to call as soon as you got Jared's test results, yes."

 

The room fell silent, and Jared's stomach dropped and lodged in his throat all at once. "Yes, he is available, one moment please."

 

Jensen looked at Jared, and he slowly stood on shaky legs and walked over. "This is Jared Padalecki."

 

" _We have your test result's Mr. Padalecki. It appears you have_ (Jared couldn't even grasp what jumbled words that defined his particular case.)"

 

"And that means what, exactly?"

 

" _Well, it's progressed a bit more rapidly than we had hoped. So, we're going to want you to come in for treatments as soon as possible._ "

 

Jared felt a little dizzy and he was grateful for Jensen's comforting arm wrapped around him, "As soon as possible? How soon is as soon as possible? What kind of treatments?"

 

" _Chemotherapy, sir. We don't have any times open tomorrow, but the day after is clear. Does that work for you?_ "

 

Jared wanted to strangle the nurse. Because he was going to work his potential life saving around his schedule? He pulled in a steadying breath, "The... The day after tomorrow, yes, that's fine. Not a problem at all. What time?"

 

" _Around eight thirty would work best, would you like a private room?_ "

 

"If you have one available..."

 

" _We'll see you Tuesday morning at eight thirty._ "

 

"Th- thank you," he mumbled, hanging up the phone.

 

Jensen cocked his head to the side and pulled him into a hug. "I have'ta go to chemo on Tuesday..." Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen, "Jen, I'm not ready."

 

"Shh..."

 

"I'm scared, Jen, I'm so scared..."

 

"I know you are, Jay, I know. But it's gonna be okay. It is, don't you worry. You've got me, and you've got Chad, and Mikey and Tom... Eric... Everybody's on your side..."

 

"I know... But I'm still scared, Jen... I'm so scared..."

 

Jared barely registered Chad leaving with Tom and Mike, giving them their room. Jensen slowly moved them back to the couch Tom and Mike had been on and sat down, resting Jared gently on his lap, "I know you are, baby... And I am, too, but if anyone can fight this it's you, okay? 

 

“You have to remember that... You're allowed to be scared but you have to remember how strong you are, too, okay baby...? Shh..."

 

Jared sniffled for a long time and then pulled back to look at Jensen. He sort of smiled and used his right hand to gently push Jared's bangs from his face and behind his ear. Jared sighed contentedly, Jensen had taken to doing that at the hospital.

 

"Am I hurting you?" Jared murmured, laying his head on Jensen's left shoulder.

 

"No... Not at all..." Jensen laid his chin on the top of Jared's head. After a long moment Jared half sat up with a smile, "Did you call me 'Baby'?"

 

"Oh... I... Sorry..."

 

Jared looked at him closer and his smile widened as Jensen blushed. But then his grin fell, a thought butting into his joy, "You aren't just saying that because you know how I feel and you feel like you should give me whatever I want... Are you?"

 

"Know how you feel about me?" Jensen asked quietly, blush gone now.

 

"Um, I guess not then..." Jared was blushing now. It looked odd and blotchy on his pale skin.

 

"Wait," Jensen said, holding Jared gently in place when the younger man moved to run away and go hide, "How do you feel about me?"

 

Jared bit his lip gently, and then looked at Jensen through his eye lashes, he shrugged, "I'm crazy about you, Jen... Always have been... Have a feeling that I always will be."

 

"I hope so," Jensen whispered, the hot air of his breath caressed Jared's skin. Jensen looked at him and tucked his bangs back behind his ear again before he gently, so gently kissed him.

 

Jared could swear he literally melted. Just became a pool of flesh held together only by Jensen's lips on his. But when he tried to pull Jensen closer to him, his joints ached in protest, and he pulled away with a hiss of pain. "I'm sorry," Jared mumbled breathlessly.

 

"Don't be... We have the rest of our lives... It's okay." Jared tipped his head foreword and his hair followed, hiding his face. He was embarrassed, what good was he?

 

He couldn't even kiss his boyfr- Not that Jen _was_ his boyfriend. 

 

And what was he fourteen? _Boyfriend_ , oh good God.

 

"Hey," Jensen whispered, tipping Jared's chin up and tucking his hair behind his ear again, "None of that... You got reason for it."

 

Jared smiled and kissed him gently. A simple, chaste closed mouth embrace that hopefully expressed in that one movement that which Jared couldn't possibly put words to.

 

He snuggled back against Jensen, laid his head back on his shoulder. They sat like that for a little while, just taking comfort in the fact that they were both together, in that moment, holding and loving each other.

 

Jared started to doze off a bit and when Jensen noticed, "Hey, baby... Let's get you to bed."

 

"Mm... Don' wanna move," Jared murmured, and shivered when he tightened his grip just slightly around Jared's back and slid his right arm under Jared's legs and started to pick him up.

 

"If we don't lay you down, imagine how bad the pain'll be tomorrow, the muscle cramps on top of the stiffness... Sweetie, that would not be fun." Jared had to agree.

 

He loved that Jensen was strong enough to carry him down the hall and lay him gently in the bed, hated that he was weak enough to try and leave. 

 

Jared grabbed his hand. 

 

"Stay with me... Please," he whispered and they laid in the bed together in the dark, holding hands.

 

After a long while, long enough that he was sure Jen thought he was asleep, Jared spoke. "Do you remember what it was like?" He whispered, "When you were twelve years old? And it was just the end of spring? Right before it got too hot to breathe... And you could lay down in the grass... And the air just smelled so clean, and everything felt so right?"

 

"Yeah... I do," Jensen said softly, but Jared wasn't sure he did. 

 

Hell, he wasn't even sure _he_ knew what the hell he was talking about.

 

" I never got to do that after I turned thirteen... Always wanted to, but only kids did that... I miss the grass, Jen. I miss that clean lawn that I could lay in... I miss the grass..." He felt rather than saw Jensen turn to look at him. "I wish I'd laid in the grass more...." he murmured as he fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Jared came out of his sleep slowly, complete with the little murmurs and tiny stretches. He sighed contentedly and blinked a few times. He turned his head and looked over. "Hey," he murmured quietly.

 

Jensen smiled at him, leaning on his elbow as he watched Jared sleep. "Good morning," he whispered, gently pushing Jared's bangs off his face. Jared smiled and then pulled in a breath as his eyes fell on Jensen gently licking his lips. He pulled his eyes away from the shiny just parted lips and... _perfect_. He felt himself pull him lower lip between his teeth and worry it nervously.

 

Jensen lowered himself over Jared slowly and pulled the lower lip between his own, nibbling it gently. Jared whimpered and lifted his left hand to the nape of Jensen's neck and held him there, opening his mouth and closing his eyes.

 

How anyone could taste like... Honey and wine and... _home_... that early in the morning was beyond Jared. And then he felt Jensen's tongue gently sweep across his own, and his thoughts were lost. 

 

He was lost.

 

In that moment, Jared was lost, and home and safe than he'd ever felt. Jensen kissed him gently on his lips and pulled back, his face flushed and his pupils wide and blown. Jared closed his eyes and laid himself back on the bed, licking his lips, unsure of when he'd pressed himself up into the kiss.

 

"What?" he asked, opening his eyes when he heard Jensen chuckle.

 

"Nothing... I just, well, I never made anyone whimper just by kissin' 'em like that."

 

Jared flushed, "Well, that's the only time I've had someone watch me sleep."

 

Jensen chuckled again, "Touche."

 

Jared pushed himself onto his elbow, and kissed Jensen again. It was that same taste, that same feeling that he was lost and found, that he was falling but safe in Jensen's arms... It was amazing, and so scary at the same time.

 

Jared pulled back when the door opened.

 

"Ackles, can I talk to you for a second?"

 

"Yeah, Chad, one sec." Jensen kissed Jared lightly and quirked a brow, "Any idea what that's about?"

 

"I might," Jared teased, "Go get 'em, tiger."

 

Jensen rolled his eyes and walked out.

 

Jared shook his head and pulled off his double shirts. He reached into the bag Jen had packed for him, and pulled out a t-shirt and a thick gray hoodie.

 

As he got closer to the kitchen he heard Jen's low murmur, didn't know what he was saying, just heard it caressing him.

 

"Look, I'm not saying that I don't want you with him, I'm just saying that if you hurt him... I will kill you."

 

Jared froze hearing Chad's words, then leaned closer to the kitchen door to hear Jensen's response. "I don't plan on it."

 

"Ack... Jensen, Jared's been in love with you for as long as I can remember... And right now, he needs someone that can be here for him, no holds barred... If you can't be that for him... Then you need to go now, before you destroy him."

 

"He... Loves me?"

 

Jared's heart was in his throat. Not fair. Jensen should not have been told by _Chad_ that he was in love with him.

 

"And he needs you more than ever... Are you ready for that?"

 

"What? I... Yes. I am."

 

"Good." Jared leaned away from the door and walked to the living room. His jaw dropped at the sight before him. And then he started to chuckle.

 

Tom was sprawled out on the couch, his arm around the man on top of him. Mike was... Well, Mike was sprawled on top of Tom, straddling his hips and drooling on the brunette's neck. 

 

Jensen came in and chuckled, "Well, I kinda wished I hadn't missed this."

 

"What, I'm not man enough?"

 

Jensen scoffed, "Oh, please; those are two very hot, very _straight_ men... Who wouldn't want to be there to mock them like crazy when they finally wake up?"

 

Jared laughed, "You do have a point." 

 

"Of course I do," Jensen quipped, and shook his head. 

 

"Mmm..." Jared breathed, turning in Jen's arms, and kissing him gently. "So, what did Chad want?"

 

"Oh, you know... Ask where the coffee is, cereal, threatening to castrate me if I hurt you, if I had any milk."

 

Jared laughed, "All in a days work then?"

 

"MmHmm..." Jensen purred, and pulled Jared against him. Jared kissed him for a moment and then pulled back, pinching Jensen's ass as he stepped back, "I'll go tell Chad to keep his hands off the merchandise."

 

Jared walked into the kitchen where Chad was draped over the table, milk dripping down his chin as he shoved a spoonful of Jensen's Fruity Pebbles into his mouth.

 

"Morning, Jar-"

 

"What the hell were you thinking, Chad?!" Jared hissed, leaning onto the table and getting into his personal space. "Telling Jensen I love him! What the fuck!"

 

"I just-"

 

"He didn't even know I was _gay_ until last night and then you're telling him that I've loved him for as long as you can remember!!! What the hell were you thinking!"

 

"Hey, I was just-"

 

"It doesn't matter! You embarrassed me! Chad, that was the stupidest thing you could have done!"

 

"What? Why?! I was just trying to protect you!"

 

"I know, I just..." Jared sat down at the table across from him. "Don't you realize what could have happened because of the things you said?"

 

"What?"

 

"For all I know, he's just going to stay with me because he knows how much I need him, how much I've got to have someone to lean on."

 

"You don't seriously believe that... Do you?" Jared stiffened. 

 

The words hadn't come from Chad like he'd expected, but from behind him. From Jensen.

 

"Jen, I-"

 

"You're being stupid is what you are," Jensen interrupted, stepping in and kneeling next to Jared's chair. Chad put his bowl in the sink and walked out. "Jay... You're an idiot. I'm not with you because of some twisted sense of responsibility, if anything, you should be worried about me taking advantage of you in your weakened state... I'm not... Am I?"

 

"What? No. I love..." Jared stopped dead, _So he was going to drop the L bomb apparently. Hmm, hadn't planed on that._ "I love you, and I'm not doing anything I don't want to be doing."

 

"Jay, I lo-"

 

Jared laid his finger on Jensen's lips, "Shh... I don't want you to say it just because I said it... I want you to say it because you mean it."

 

"I _do_ mean-"

 

Jared shook his head, "Then wait... If you mean it, you won't mind waiting."

 

Jensen looked at him and clenched his jaw, "Fine... I'll wait... But you're being an idiot."

 

Jared hung his head as Jensen walked out.

 

There was an odd tension in the air all day. And it wasn't just because Jared had to start chemo the next day, it was almost as if Jared was punishing himself and Jensen didn't know how to stop him.

 

Then Jared slipped out, he tucked his cellphone into his jeans after calling Kripke -And a cab.

 

When he got to set, he handed the man a thick wad of cash and stepped out. Eric was waiting for him.

 

"You don't have to do this, Jared... I could tell them, you know."

 

Jared shook his head, "No... This is something I have to do."

 

Eric nodded sadly, seeing just how broken Jared was. He seemed smaller... And less illuminated. Jared had always been one of those people that had this... Glow about them, something that drew you to them like moths to a flame, only with Jared you didn't get burned...

 

Except this time... And Jared was the one in hell. And there was nothing anyone could do to help him, not really.

 

Jared chewed nervously at the inside of his cheek as he watched the cast and crew mill around in front of Eric's trailer. They parted like the Red Sea as he and Eric walked through to the front.

 

"Hey, guys; sorry to call you in on your day off... But, well..." Eric rocked on his feet not really sure what to say.

 

Jared smiled sadly and clapped him on the shoulder, stepping forward and taking Eric out of the spot light.

 

"Hey guys... I guess that most of you -if not all- have noticed that I haven't been on my game lately, that's why we've been working so many crazy hours... Well, I've been sick, I had a stomach virus... And Jen...

 

"Well, Jensen took me to the hospital and they ran some tests... And, uh," he cleared his throat and looked at his shoes for a long moment, "Well, a stomach virus was the least of my worries, as it turns out..."

 

Jared looked up and sniffed, they were looking at him with so much concern...

 

"As it turns out... Well, I..." he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around himself, wishing that he hadn't been such an idiot, wishing that Jensen was there to hold him... "I..."

 

"He has leukemia," he heard from behind him, and Jared started to cry, letting himself fall onto Jensen's shoulder as he told the cast about Jared's illness. He didn't question why he was there, didn't ask who had called him... He just let himself be comforted. 

 

There was a collective gasp of surprise, and he heard something hit the ground when someone dropped it in shock. 

 

"He's starting chemo tomorrow... And..." Jensen trailed off, wrapping his arms tighter around Jared. "He's gonna be okay. He's Jared Padalecki, he has to be okay..." He knew that Jensen was saying the words more for himself than he was for the sake of the crew.

 

Jared closed his eyes and tucked his hands under his chin, letting Jensen pull him in closer.

 

Eric stepped forward, "We don't know much at this point... All we really know is that the show is second to Jared's health... And until he has that, I'm putting Supernatural on hold indefinitely."

 

Jared heard the crowd murmuring amongst themselves and he pulled back, putting a mask in place. "Don't worry, guys... The Winchester's will be back to kicking ass and taking names before you know it..."

 

\-----

 

Jensen drove Jared home in silence. "You're a damn fool."

 

"What?"

 

"You heard me, Jay. What the hell were you thinking?"

 

"I just... This was something I had to do."

 

"Yeah, and look what happened... You almost collapsed up there... Would it have been so hard to ask me to come with you?"

 

"I..." Jared stared out the passenger side side window, and practically whispered, "I thought you were mad at me."

 

"Are you serious?" Jensen asked, glancing at him. Jared shrugged, "You are. Are you that stupid, Jared? I love you, I'm want to be there for you when ever you need me to be, I'm sorry that you thought I was mad... I don't know, maybe I was... But that doesn't... Dammit, Jared!"

 

Jared flinched at his tone, curling closer to the door.

 

"Jared?"

 

Jared stayed next to the door, watching the soggy snow fall from the sky, trying to will away the tears on his face.

 

"Jared... Baby... You've got to talk to me..."

 

Jared didn't say anything.

 

This was too hard... He had to deal with too much, and thinking about what was going on in Jared's head all the time had to be killing Jensen... He didn't need this right now. He had so much going for him and Jared was just going to keep him down... 

 

"Jen... I..." he swallowed thickly. "I think we made a mistake... I... can't be with you right now."

 

Jensen pulled to a stop at the red light, his voice was low and haggard, "Tell me you aren't serious..."

 

"Jen-"

 

" _Please_ tell me you're just spooked and you don't mean it..."

 

Jared bowed his head, and then looked out the window, "Just take me home, I'll have Chad grab a cab and take me to... To the hospital tomorrow."

 

"Tell me why... Jared you owe me at least that."

 

Jared stared out the window and swallowed around the lump in his throat. 

 

After a long time, Jensen spoke again. "Fine," he spat, "Just... Fine."

 

Jared swallowed again, and refused to acknowledge the tear that streamed down his face.

 

\-----

 

"You got any plans on telling me why you broke up with Jensen?" Chad asked, sinking onto the couch next to Jared later that night.

 

"I'm not what he needs right now," he shrugged.

 

"You might not be what he needs, but you're what he wants."

 

"Since when are you all gung-ho about me and Jen?"

 

It was Chad's turn to shrug, "Since you fell in love with him, you idiot."

 

"Oh, please... You've been fighting this for as long as I can remember."

 

"Only because I thought the fucker would hurt you! Turns out he really loves you."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I..."

 

Jared sat up quickly, "Chad, what the hell happened before you came over?"

 

"He asked me about your parents, asked if it would help to have them here while you were... At the hospital."

 

Jared closed his eyes, "What did you say?"

 

"Well, at first I thought he was joking, and I when I realized that he wasn't I just told him no. He asked me why and I told him that it just wouldn't."

 

"And?"

 

"Well, he kept pressing, but he pretty much shut up after I said that if you wanted them there you'd call them."

 

"Oh..."

 

"Yeah..." Chad tossed him a pillow and sat down with his own on Jared's other couch. Both pulled the blanket's off the back of the couch and settled in for the night. "Okay, Tom's going to call at seven thirty to make sure we're up and then he and Mike are gonna pick us up at eight.

 

"I have to be at the airport by four... I'm sorry about that... They won't let me out of filming anymore."

 

"It's okay, Chad; I'm just glad you're here now."

 

"And you know I'll be back as soon as I can."

 

"I do."

 

"Hey, do you mind if I bring 'Kenzie? She wants to meet you..."

 

"Yeah, I don't blame her." 

 

"Shut up. I'll take that as you don't mind?"

 

"Nah, it's no problem... I mean, she's not going to go skitzo on me is she?"

 

"Um... No, why would she?"

 

"Girls tend to do that a lot in my pretense," Jared teased.

 

"Oh, go to sleep, Sasquatch."

 

"Yes, dear."

 

\-----

 

The phone rang much too soon for Jared's liking. 

 

"Yeah, I'll make sure he's up and packed," Chad murmured quietly, and Jared could here how tired he was; it sounded like he hadn't slept at all. Hell, if Jared wasn't so damn tired all the time, he was pretty sure he wouldn't have slept either. He stared at the back of the couch and let Chad think he was sleeping.

 

"Yeah..." Chad's voice dropped, "Did you talk to Jensen? ... Well, is he gonna be there? ... What do you mean he won't answer his cell phone? ... Did you check his-? ... He's not there? Dammit... No, I'll... I don't know, I'll try and find him. Don't tell Jared that we can't find him, okay? ... Okay, see you in a bit. ... Alright, bye."

 

Jared closed his eyes and slowed his breathing. A moment later, Chad shook him gently and he slowly pretended to wake up.

 

As he slowly made his way down the hall to make sure he'd packed everything that he thought he might need, he was sad. The house felt empty and cold with out Sadie and Harley there to liven it up. He looked at his bags and sighed. It was going to be a long time before he lived out of anything other than those three bags.

 

Jared leaned against the door frame, lost in his thoughts, and jumped when Chad tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, Mike and Tom are here."

 

Jared nodded, how long had he been standing there? Chad grabbed his bags, "You ready?"

 

Jared shrugged, "I guess so."

 

Chad forced all the bags into one hand and wrapped his arm around Jared's waist. "It'll be okay... It's gonna be fine."

 

Jared was mute the whole way to the hospital, sitting in the passenger's seat with Mike and Chad in the back while Tom drove to the hospital.

 

Jared was quiet through out the check in process as he filled out the forms he needed to.

 

Jared was silent the whole time the nurse was pointing things out in his room. He settled in as she said she would be back with the first round of medication, his radiation therapy would start later that evening.

 

Chad left around noon, going to make sure he would make it through security. Jared sat up in his bed and hugged him tightly, nodding as Chad whispered some random series of comforting words in his ear.

 

Tom was next around two, Jamie called and he'd apologized profusely. Jared gave him a tight hug and shrugged, who was he to argue.

 

Mike sat at his bed side all day, not saying a word to Jared, and not expecting one in return. So when at four the nurse came in and told him about what to expect side effect wise from the radiation and the strong antibiotics, Jared just nodded along, letting Mike ask the questions.

 

"Hey, Mike..." he croaked quietly a few minutes after she left.

 

"Yeah, Jared?"

 

"Can you do me a favor?"

 

\-----

 

It was horrible, the feeling of utter helplessness that he felt as he was wheeled down in his bed to get his first radiation session.

 

Mike had walked with him as the double swinging doors, he wasn't allowed any further and even if he was... Well, Jared wasn't sure that he's want him there.

 

He knew by the time he was done, that visiting hours would be over and Mike would be gone... And he would be alone, and, probably, in pain...

 

And scared out of his mind.

 

But he didn't say that, didn't show that... It wasn't Mike's fault that the hospital wouldn't let him stay, so he just smiled at his friend and closed his eyes as the door opened.

 

\-----

 

It was dark when he got back from the radiation. He swallowed thickly around the nausea in his throat.

 

He watched the snow fall out side his window, watched it cover the fallen leaves that blanketed the grass.

 

He missed the grass, he thought as he absently ran his hand over his eye brow to push away his hair. He didn't need to. Jared called for a nurse as the tear fell. 

 

After she'd told him the side effects, he'd made a quick decision. 

 

If he was going to beat this... He had to rise above it. He had to stay in control. So he'd asked Mike to do him a favor...

 

He couldn't nausea, he couldn't stop the pain, couldn't stop the bruising, or the mood swings... The only thing he could think of to do was to give in.

 

And then she'd told him he'd loose his hair. 

 

That's where Mikey came in, because if anyone knew how to shave a head it was Michael "Lex Luthor" Rosenbaum.

 

Jared missed his hair, and Jared missed the grass, but as he stared at the slow falling snow he realized he would give up that and so much more... 

 

If it meant he didn't have to miss Jensen anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

DEDICATION: To "broken wings" still. Rocketh of the sockeths!

 

SUMMARY: Jared had always been one of those people that had this... Glow about them, something that drew you to them like moths to a flame, only with Jared you didn't get burned...

 

Except this time... And Jared was the one in hell. And there was nothing anyone could do to help him, not really.

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!: I'm so **so SO** sorry guys and gals. I suck, I know- HOWEVER!!! Things should be getting better now, more updates. Sooner, and better! Just remember that I LURVE all of you and all of your input!!!

 

\-----

 

Chapter Five

 

\-----

 

“So, What is it?”

 

“What is what?” Jared groused, he’d been such an irritable bastard since he’d come to the hospital. 

 

“Come on, Jared… I said I was sorry. It’s not like I can just…” Jared could hear Chad fumbling with his words; it wasn’t all that weird of an occurance, but it was seriously pissing him off just now. 

 

“Okay, I get that you can’t visit,” Jared said slowly, “But I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“That weird pot with the dirt in it… What is it?”

 

“Oh…” Jared felt his cheeks burn, and a wave of sadness and joy wash over him. “Grass,” he said quietly.

 

“What? Who the hell gave you a pot of _grass_? And why did someone give you grass?”

 

“I don’t know…” Jared said quietly, a lie and not all at the same time. He was pretty sure on the who -a certain green eyed god- but the _why_ was quite the mystery. 

 

“Oh… Okay then.” Chad said, confused, but not wanting to push. 

 

“Mr. Padalecki?” Jared looked up towards the door. A pretty little nurse was leaning in cautiously. “Would you like to join group today?”

 

The first time, Jared had jumped on the opportunity for group therapy- he was going to beat this no matter what it took. Of course, he hadn’t thought that there would be a group of teens that were avid (more like rabid, in his humble opinion) fans of the show. They had made it impossible to let anyone do anything other than gawk -or worse- screech at him. 

 

But the nurse happened to pick a really good time to poke her head in, he was tired of talking to Chad. The only person he wanted to talk to- Scratch that, the only person he wanted to see… Jensen hadn’t called, come by, checked on him once as far as he knew…

 

“Hey, Chad? I’ve got to go, it’s time for group.” The nurse beamed. She was new, and had accomplished what so many others had tried- getting Jared out of his room for something other than tests.

 

“Okay, man. I’ll call again tomorrow.”

 

“Bye, Chad.” Jared hung up. Chad had called every day for the past three weeks, it was kind of expected at this point.

 

Jared didn’t really think he’d have anything to say at group, so he sat in a chair that had been carelessly shoved into the corner behind the circle. 

 

The therapist gave him a thoughtful look, but then just nodded and turned to the rest of the group filtering in. Jared picked a blank spot on the wall across the room and stared at it, zoning out.

 

He’d been doing that a lot lately. It was so much easier to just be numb rather than to feel the aches and fear that came along with the diagnoses and treatments.

 

Who knew how long he just sat there like a lump of human flesh before a little boy walked up to him. Well, little wasn’t quite the right word. He was eight, nine maybe? 

 

“Hi,” he said brightly, “I’m Brendon McCall.”

 

Jared looked around. “Hi, Brendon; I’m Jared.”

 

Brendon sat down cross-legged on the floor in front of Jared, “So what’s your superhero?”

 

Jared’s hairless brow furrowed, “Huh?”

 

Brendon giggled, “Your superhero… You know, what you imagine is in your body fighting your sickness.”

 

“Oh…” Jared looked at him. He _hadn’t_ been imaging anything fighting what was in his body.

 

“Mine is my big sister. I just imagine her walking around and attacking anything that doesn’t look good.”

 

“Oh, yeah? What does she use to help you fight?” Jared asked, honestly intrigued.

 

“Hair brushes and nail polish mostly.”

 

Jared heard something odd, then realized that it was him; he’d laughed… It had been a while.

 

“So, what’s _your_ superhero?”

 

Jared opened his mouth and then stopped. Only one thing came to mind. “Dean,” he murmured.

 

“Is he your big brother?”

 

Jared felt his chin shiver, and his eyes itched with unshed tears. “Sort-of.”

 

“Oh… What does he use to fight your sickness?”

 

Again, Jared knew the answer instinctively. “Rock salt and his impala.”

 

“Impala?”

 

“Mm-Hmm… His car.”

 

“Oh… I like that. Maybe Lucy will drive an impala too.”

 

Jared matched the Brendon’s smile with one of his own, “Maybe.”

 

\-----

 

“You bastard! You’re no son of mine!” Jared sat up in a cold sweat, his father’s words echoing in his head as if they’d been screamed at him just a moment ago and not years ago.

 

“Mr. Padalecki?” A nurse asked, rushing in, checking his racing heart rate. “Are you alright?”

 

Jared nodded shakily, “Bad dream… Sorry.”

 

She smiled softly, “Don’t be. You’re entitled.”

 

Jared watched her back as she left. Okay, so she meant well… But come _on_ , did she have to point out the fact that he was ill? He was well aware, and he’d rather just forget.

 

He lay back down, clenching and un-clenching his jaw.

 

Then his eyes snapped open. It didn’t hurt. For the first time in… A long while it didn’t hurt. 

 

He flexed his hands, his toes. A little sore… But not. He was… Getting better?

 

His eyes filled, better not to hope. Not yet, that would be insane… Wouldn’t it?

 

\-----

 

The next day Jared told his doctor about the lack of pain that he was feeling in his joints. It was strange, they’d been hurting so long that now that they weren’t it almost felt _wrong_. His doctor was pleased, but skeptical. He warned Jared about getting too excited. 

 

Jared wasn’t getting too excited, honestly; what did he have to look forward to? 

 

The network had postponed the series until next year- if they even picked it up again, and even if they hadn’t… He could what, look forward to working with someone who didn’t visit him once? Someone he loved more than anything else on the planet that he couldn’t seem to be with on the off chance that something went horribly wrong and he fucked everything up? Joy.

 

There must be something in the water. Jared wasn’t normally this much of an angst whore, he normally saw the glass as half full…

 

But without Jen here Jared knew that he was breaking. It was literally taking all of his strength to hold himself together. And he knew that he couldn’t do it much longer. If he had to go another day thinking about how alone and just blah.

 

Dear god, he was starting to piss himself off with all this pissy bullshit. What the hell was going on with him? Where was the happy go lucky imbecile that could look danger in the face and laugh like a fool? 

 

Sure, he had leukemia, but didn’t that mean he had to be that much more positive? Yes. It did. No room for argument. 

 

And how dare he feel bad for himself when there was an eight year old boy out there that was battling the same disease -if not a worse one. 

 

What was wrong with him?

 

Okay, stupid question; obviously the fact that he had leukemia probably had some impact on him. 

 

His inner voice was starting to piss him off, too. Sure, he was thinking stupid things, but until he said them out loud he should be able to think them with out getting a sarcastic remark in return.

 

Jared watered his little pot of grass and looked out at the slush along the salted pavement, tears filled his eyes as he smiled. That inner voice sounded awfully familiar. 

 

Dean was such an annoying fucker.

 

\-----

 

“Jared?” Jared looked up from his worn copy of Swan’s Way at the petite blonde nurse that got him to group that 

first time. 

 

“What’s up, Diana?” He asked, using his finger to mark the page. Since she seemed to have the best relationship with him, she’d basically been the one that was sent to him when need be over the past two months.

 

She smiled softly, a blush on her cheeks. He smiled a little, she was so damn shy; it was adorable. “You have a visitor… Would you like to see them, or…?”

 

The blood fell out of his face along with the smile and he swallowed thickly. Even after all this time, Jared was hoping on Jen.

 

Tommy, Mikey, Chad-and-’Kenzie didn’t bother stopping at the nurses station anymore; neither did Kripke. Sandy had visited a twice, but after he’d broken the engagement last year, they didn’t really spend all that much time together.

 

He swallowed again, ignoring his fuzzy tongue and nodded. 

 

Diana smiled sympathetically and hovered a moment before heading back to get whoever it was.

 

Jared stood on shaky legs, holding his book in one hand and running his hand over his new peach fuzz hair. He looked out at the light layer of slush on the side of the pavement. It had been raining earlier, and he had to admit he was glad. Winter was almost over.

 

“JT?” he heard softly from behind him. Jared froze, literally unable to move. “I… I understand if you don’t want to see me… I just… Wanted to come, wanted to see you.”

 

Jared reminded his lungs to pull in oxygen. 

 

“Jared?” His heart stilled momentarily at the new voice and then started again. Well, it wasn’t Jensen… He turned slowly, holy fuck. “J-Jeff? Megan?” he knew his voice cracked. “I… How?”

 

Megan wrapped her arms over her stomach, tears on her cheeks. “Jensen…”

 

Jeff shook his head, his own eyes watery, “I don’t know how he found me, but I’m damn glad he did.”

 

“You… You saw Jen?” The tears he’d barely been keeping at bay started to fall. 

 

Megan nodded, cocking her head to the side. “He hunted me down too…”

 

“How… How is he?” Jared couldn’t stop the word from tumbling out of his mouth. It didn’t make sense; the family that had been kept from him for so long was standing right in front of him and all he could do was ask about Jensen.

 

“He looked like crap,” Jeff said quietly. “He’s running himself ragged.”

 

Jared savored the honeyed Texan drawl that dripped from his brothers lips even as he flinched inwardly at the thought of Jensen hurting himself. “He… He is?”

 

Megan let out a sob and ran from the room. Jeff looked down, embarrassed. 

 

“Jeff?” Jared whispered.

 

Jeff shook his head, “Megan lived with them too long… She… … I’m sorry, JT.”

 

Jared felt a tear run down his nose. “But he, I mean… We aren’t… I…”

 

Jeff stepped out of the doorway and pulled him into a hug. “But you want to be,” he murmured.

 

Jared clutched his brother like a drowning man would a life preserver. “No, God, Jeff… I need him.” Jared felt himself break as he uttered the words to feelings he’d been denying for so long.

 

They stayed like that for a long while, supporting sobbing frames with sobbing frames. But after a while they separated and Jeff clapped him on the shoulder. 

 

“What was that for?” Jared laughed, rubbing it. 

 

Jeff grinned, “For living, asshole. After all the things Mom and Dad -especially Dad- put you through…” Jeff shook his head, smirk fading. “You turned out damn good, kid. I‘m proud of you.”

 

Jared rolled his eyes, “Freak.”

 

“I’m the freak? _You’re_ the one that likes it up the-”

 

“How’s everything going in here?” 

 

Jared’s face was bright red, and he couldn’t bring himself to look at Diana when he mumbled his answer, “Good, thanks.”

She looked at Jeff as he started to laugh. She looked at Jared who flushed and bowed his head. “Okay, then,” she murmured, a small smile in her voice. “Well, as I’ve told you before Jared, visiting hours are over at-”

 

“Over at eight o’clock,” Jared over lapped.

 

“But,” she said quietly, and Jared looked up. “Well, Jared… I was looking at your charts and you’re probably going to be released soon. I also noticed that you didn’t eat any dinner.”

 

“But I did eat…” Jared’s brow furrowed.

 

“And since I noticed that you didn’t eat any dinner,” she continued with an eye roll, “I might have mentioned it to your new visitor that you hadn’t eaten. Now, if that were the case it would make sense enough that he might take you down to the hospital cafeteria and you might be there past visiting hours. Still sure you ate?”

 

“Jeff?” Jared questioned, “How you feeling?”

 

“Suddenly starving, you?”

 

“Ravenous.”

 

“Funny how that is,” she teased, walking in to hand him something. “Oh, and you might want this… Just in case.” Diana smirked, and winked before leaving the room.

 

Jared chuckled and then opened his hand.


	6. Chapter 6

DEDICATION: To "broken wings" still. Rocketh of the sockeths!

 

\-----

 

Chapter Six

 

\-----

 

Jensen slid down the door, his shirt riding up his back as he sank to the bathroom floor.

 

Jared could not have _leukemia_ , Jared could not have been given a death sentence.

 

At this thought, the little voice often referred to as ‘hope’ piped up with murmurs of modern medicine and Jared’s strength, but Jensen’s worry and fear were practically screaming as him, easily overshadowing the optimistic whispers.

 

And more over, Jared could not have broken up with him.

 

He pressed his hand to his scratchy eyes and slid down even further, his sweaty back against the cool tiled floor.

 

He sighed, hearing the exhale shake in his lungs as he did. He needed a few minutes to pull himself together, rather, make it look like he’d pulled himself together.

 

Alas, his fifteen was not to be had. The doorbell rang and Jensen slammed his hands to the ground near his hips with a loud smack, and he pushed himself up, blinking in the lights that seemed way to bright after his lay in the dark bathroom.

 

Chad walked in when Jensen looked at him blearily as he opened his front door, “You look like shit.”

 

“You always look like shit,” Jensen shot back, and then shook his head, “Sorry, habit.”

 

Chad waved off the apology, “It’s fine, I’ll get used to it; after all you’re dating Jared so I guess… You’re shaking your head, why are you shaking your head? You are dating him, aren’t you?” Again, Jensen shook his head. Chad slammed him into the wall, his forearm pressing heavily into Jensen’s throat. “How the fuck could you break up with the guy after you find out that he has leukemia? I mean, I knew you were fucked, but I didn’t think you were that fucked. Seriously- why the hell are you shaking your head again?!”

 

“He…” Jensen struggled, his vocal chords stressed under the pressure of breathing, “Broke up… With… me…” He pulled in a gasping breath as Chad released him. 

 

“What?” Chad asked incredulously. “What do you mean he dumped you?”

 

“I didn’t say dumped…“ He glared at Chad, but it dropped quickly, “But, yeah… I guess he did…”

 

“Well, what the hell did you do?”

 

“What did I do?” Jensen could feel his face filling with blood as he flushed with anger, his voice rising with every word as he pushed himself into Chad’s face. “I didn’t do shit! Jay decided to tell the crew what was going on, and I showed up because Kripke called me.” Jensen ran a hand over his face and his shout became a whisper, “He almost collapsed up on the stupid stage… So I went up and took over, told them for him and he turned around and let me hold him… He was crying in my arms, crying in front of everyone and there was nothing I could do…

 

“And I yelled at him,” Jensen looked at Chad through watery eyes, “I was driving him back here and I yelled at him, I called him a damn fool and he said he thought I was mad at him and that’s why he didn’t ask me to go with him…

 

“And then he wouldn’t talk to me…” Jensen sagged against the wall. “He just wouldn’t talk to me and then, the next thing I knew…

 

“Jen, I think we made a mistake, I can't be with you right now."

 

As if the words had been his undoing then, and as if they were his undoing again as he spoke them, Jensen started to shake, and couldn’t even force himself to be surprised when Chad took his sobbing body in his arms.

 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he whimpered stupidly, his arms wrapping around Chad out of reflex. 

 

After what could have just been a minute or perhaps as long as an hour, Jensen pretended to pull himself together once more, and wiped his eyes, as Chad cleared his throat and clapped him on the back a few times. 

 

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Chad murmured, sadly if Jensen didn’t know better, “I don’t know how you’re going to get through to him, get him back.” 

 

Jensen shook his head and wiped under his eyes as Chad looked the other direction. Jensen cleared his throat and gestured to the living room. Chad nodded and walked in, Jensen following slowly, still becoming the masked creature he knew he had to become to survive.

 

“Anyways,” he murmured, handing Chad a glass of scotch. “What can you think of that I can do to help Jay out? I mean, would it help to have his parents there?”

 

He almost dropped his glass in shock as Chad gave a harsh, mirthless laugh and then looked at him, “Wait, you aren’t joking?”

 

Jensen shook his head, “You mean you don’t know?”

 

“Don’t know what, Chad?”

 

“About his dad, about what his dad did?”

 

At this, Jensen’s heart skipped a beat. “What did his dad do?”

 

After Chad left, Jensen remained frozen in is seat clutching the empty scotch glass in his hand until the sun came up. He hadn’t even really registered Chad leaving, but he guessed that was fine, as far as he knew, Jared didn’t really even want all that shit laid out in the open, if he didn’t mind, Jensen would already have known.

 

Jensen rubbed his bloodshot eyes and swallowed thickly, reaching into his pocket to pull out his cell phone; he knew what he had to do.

 

After he hung up, he shoved his phone back into his pocket, and chancing a glance at his watch pushed off the couch and hurried to his room, cramming clothes into a couple duffle bags that he unearthed in the his closet. Then he grabbed his charger and toothbrush.

 

He scooped his keys off the counter and flipped off the coffee maker, and as he tossed his bags into the back seat and slid into the driver’s seat, he wasn’t even sure if he’d bothered to lock the door… He wasn’t coming back here anytime soon.

As he stopped at the corner, his blinker flashing, he was almost certain he saw Tom pull into his drive-way, but he shook his head and the thought away as he drove to the airport.

 

Alas, his flight was canceled due to a freak thunderstorm. And he figured that there was one last thing he could do, checking to make sure his boarding pass was in his back pocket, Jensen hurried through the crowd and back out to where he’d parked in the garage.

 

There was an accident on the highway, that had him swearing up a storm, but he didn’t really mind so much.

 

By the time he got to the hospital, the sun was setting, and Jared was getting his chemo. A slight blonde helped him, seeming to realize without him ever having to say that he didn’t want Jay to know he was there.

 

As they were talking, an alarm went off and she called to another nurse telling her that she was needed in room 315. Jensen raised a brow, having just heard that this was Jared’s room, but didn’t say a word.

 

“I don’t really work here, not yet. I’m still in school, my last semester.”

 

Jensen nodded, studying her; she seemed nice enough and Jensen didn’t trust easily but she just seemed like she was trust worthy.

 

A few moments later the other nurse came up, pulling off a mask, “Make a note that room 315 fell asleep without the need of a sedative, thank you.”

 

Jensen looked at her, pleading his case as strongly as he could without words, using just his eyes. She sighed, and slipped him a mask, “I can get you five minutes at most… Wait for her to leave, make it as quick as you can, okay?”

 

Jensen nodded, hugging her impulsively. She walked away quickly, and slipped into the cafeteria room thingy, a quiet crash followed by a screech coming out a moment later, the nurse gave him a confused look, but hurried into the room after the blond. Jensen slipped on the mask and hurried down the hall to Jared’s room. And froze in the door way.

 

Jared was hooked up to a number of monitors, but seemed to be sleeping as peacefully as could be expected. He shifted and grimaced, his eyes flickering, but he didn’t wake.

 

Jensen moved into the room slowly, frown-lines creasing his forehead as he noticed that Jared had to wear a mask as well. He leaned against the bed, a tear slipping down his face and caught on the mask as he ran a hand over Jared’s smooth and shiny scalp.

 

That seemed to ease Jared’s tension a little, and his eyes opened drowsily. “You came,” he croaked.

 

“Course I did,” Jensen whispered, even that cracking a little under the stress of the situation, “I love you, you idiot.” And Jared’s eyes smiled slightly, his lips hidden under the mask.

 

Jensen bit his lip as Jared reached up and smoothed the crease’s on Jensen’s forehead.

 

He blinked another tear down his face and before he could stop himself- not that he was sure he would have -he leaned down and pressed their mask covered lips together. Even with the two filtered layers between them, Jensen swore he could still feel the spark between them.

 

Jared fell back on the pillow asleep, effectively ending the kiss, and Jensen ignored another tear as he pressed his cloth covered lips to Jay’s forehead before taking his leave.

 

Just in time too, it appeared as the mask he’d chucked into the trash just landed in the bottom of the barrel when the nurses walked back out of the break room. 

 

Jensen asked if things could be left for patients, and the little blond nodded enthusiastically, “Sure! We have to check them out, and spray them down with some Anti-B, but it’s no problem at all.”

 

“Will the anti-bacterial effect a plants growth?” Jensen asked seriously; there would be no need to do what he was planning on doing if it would just kill the damn thing.

 

“It shouldn’t,” she said, just as seriously, “It’s been known to happen every now and then, but mostly everything seems to work out fine.”

 

“Fantastic,” Jensen mumbled, his eyes glazing over as he registered the fact that he only had one hour to get what he wanted to get and catch his new flight.

 

He asked for directions and hurried to the nearest Home Depot, buying a medium sized pot, some soil and some grass seed. As he was in line with his carefully selected purchases-to-be, he picked up an impulse buy- Little stick-sponge things that held water in case you forgot to water it for a few days so the fledgling plants wouldn’t die.

 

He ripped open the soil and unceremoniously dumped some into the pot, sprinkled some seeds and jabbed the water retainers in before dumping a cup of water into it.

 

Though he moved quickly, he was very careful not to ruin or possibly ruin a really odd gift. Because it was a gift, so of course he wanted to take care.

 

Jensen tossed the wrappings and left the ¾ bag of potting soil outside the door for whoever wanted it before carefully strapping the plant into the passenger’s seat and driving it quickly to the hospital, where -thankfully- the blond was waiting and scooped it up so he could make his flight.

 

And he just barely did make it, but before he knew it he was on his way to Texas, because when you didn’t know where to start, it was best to start at the beginning.


	7. Chapter 7

DEDICATION: To "broken wings" still. Rocketh of the sockeths! Not to mention every patient and loving fan that has waiting for me to update again. Thanks for all the reviews, honestly, it's because of the reviews begging for more that spurred me from working only on my novel to start working on my fan fiction once more. I would also like to take a moment to dedicate this to **Autumn Anonymous** , I know that this story hits really close to home for you and I just wanted to take the time to tell you that this is not meant to be a malevolent story -which I hope you know- rather one of enlightenment for those who have not been through the horrors discussed within it. I thank you for reading and send my best wishes to your friend. 

 

\-----

 

Chapter Seven

 

\-----

 

Jared looked down at his hand. Who was this girl? He looked at the mask she'd stuck in his hand. She really had a way about her.

 

Jared was allowed to go anywhere any patient was allowed to go in the hospital, probably more, but he had to wear a mask if he was to go outside, which, he wasn't allowed to do. Smooth, she was as smooth as velvet she was.

 

Jared tucked the mask into his pocket, and shook his head at Jeff's questioning look. "Mind if I change before we grab a bite?"

 

"No, g'head. I'll go see if I can find Megan, okay?" Jared nodded, not trusting himself to use his voice without it shattering. He turned towards the small dresser in his room so he wouldn't have to watch Jeff leave too. Even knowing that this time, his brother _would_ be returning...he did not want to see that back retreating, he'd seen it before and if he never saw it again it would still be too soon.

 

Jared changed out of his lounged in clothes and pulled on a pair of clean jeans. They were still much to loose on him, but at this point he was almost willing to blame that on the "food" they served here. Almost, but not quite; he knew he still had a bit more time waiting before they could officially say it was remission.

 

Remission. Heavenly word, that one. Jared could almost taste it. 

 

And the doctors were baffled. Jared had been in hospital for almost six months, he just seemed to sit back and let the disease ravage him... But after one day at group he almost seemed to just slam down his foot and say you won't have me; not like this, not now. 

 

And his body began to fight.

 

As they were men of science, they didn't want to call it a miracle, but that is almost what it seemed to be. Once he decided to fight, the leukemia didn't stand a chance. At one point, Jared was almost certain that when they drew a blood sample from him -one of many he was always quick to point out- that they would find hints of rock salt or perhaps impala pieces. 

 

Of course, that was more than just a little crazy, but hell... If Dean set out to beat the hell out of Jared's leukemia... That's just what he would do. And that is just what he did. He beat the crap out of everything that was beating the hell out of Jared himself.

 

Maybe he was losing his mind, a side effect of the disease and medications ravaging his body perhaps. Maybe that's why he always felt like he was forgetting something. Something dreadfully important.

 

Jared sighed and pulled a polo t-shirt on over a long sleeved black shirt. He sighed and grabbed a hoodie as well, thin as he was it was better to be prepared for the eminent cold chills. 

 

He folded the mask gently and tucked it into his front jeans pocket so that it was hidden from sight and then stepped out of the bathroom he’d gone into to change and saw that Jeff had returned, sadly, sans Megan.

 

Jared thanked all the acting classes he taken for giving him the ability to hide his ever splintering heart from Jeff with an understanding smile. “I know,” he said quietly, “She lived with Mom and… Mom and Dad too long.”

 

Jeff gave a sharp nod, and looked down, as if too ashamed to even look at Jared now. “Nothing anyone could have done, Jeff. You are who you are, I think I proved that.”

 

“Right,” Jeff said, his voice low and angry, “ _You_ are who _you_ are, regardless of how damned stupid your parents raise you to be. You proved that by going to live the life you wanted to live, I proved that by staying away from them after-”

 

“Jeff, you and me aren’t like her. She was so much younger when everything happened, there’s no way that she understood it all.”

 

“JT… Don’t kid yourself, you know that we both heard all the same shit that she did and we-”

 

Jared held up his hand, interrupting what he was sure would be a nice long rant, “Can we not argue? I haven’t seen you in years and I’d really rather not spend however much time we do actually have together being pissed all to hell at each other.”

 

Jeff nodded, and released a sharp exhale, “Fair enough. You ready to go ‘eat’?”

 

Jared swallowed a yawn, there was no way that he was going to sleep through seeing his brother. “Hail yeah ‘m ready,” Jared said, his voice slowed and heavily accented, what with Jeff’s down home tones tugging at him.

 

They walked slowly from the room, meandering towards the elevators. As they passed the nurses station, Diana threw them a subtle wink and Jared nodded once with a smile. Jeff pressed the button, and Jared turned to say something to him- Forgetting all at once just what he was about to say.

 

There was a man, sleeping on one of the couches in the waiting room. His hair was shaggy, and a little dirty looking, but Jared would know it anywhere. As Jared stared, the man shifted, throwing one arm over his face, his hand curved around the back of his head.

 

Jared shook his head as the elevator bell dinged, and followed Jeff inside.

 

As the doors shut, he swear hear he heard his favorite nurse say, “You couldn’t have rolled over five seconds ago?” but knew he must have imagined it, longed it into some kind of twisted reality.

 

He and Jeff stayed out until around ten, knowing full well that Diana would get in some serious shit, but she seemed okay with that.

 

Besides, all they really did was sit in Jeff’s rental car, pick up some food at a drive-thru and just talk.

 

By the time they were done, Jared knew that Jeff had never blamed him for pulling the family apart. And Jeff knew that Jared never forgot him, that he’d tried o track his older brother down so many times… but to no avail.

 

Jared apologized profusely to the nurses saying that he’d snuck out with his brother because they hadn’t seen each other in years. The older nurse pointed at him and said, “Mr. Padalecki, you’d better realize that if Diana hadn’t asked us if you could be out late, there is no way you’d have been able to get away with it.” She smiled at his gob smacked expression, “All the same, you’d better get your butt back in your bed.”

 

Jared nodded quickly, but turned and looked out at the waiting room, the man who’d been sleeping there earlier was gone. ‘See?’ he thought, ‘Just wishful thinking.’

 

\-----

 

…But, yeah; sorry about Megan, but I’m glad you got to see Jeff. Diana went about it right though, making sure it was okay, you know?

 

“Course you know.

 

“But, yeah, I’m really glad Jeff and Megan came through. Oh, hey…” Jensen smiled a little at Jared.

 

“Mmm,” Jared sighed, “Been a long while since I’ve dreamed of you.”

 

“Oh, yeah?” Jensen stilled.

 

“Yeah, missed you.”

 

“Yeah? Glad, I miss you, too. You should call me some time.”

 

“Maybe,” Jared said, scooting over so that Jensen could slide into the bed next to him. “Once I get out I will.”

 

“Why wait,” Jensen asked, “Why not call me tomorrow afternoon?”

 

“Because I shouldn’t hold you down.”

 

“I’m spending all my time trying to do anything and everything I can to make you feel better from behind the scenes, when are you going to stop thinking you’re holding me down?”

 

“Maybe when I do stop holding you down.” Jared’s eyes were closed, just so he could feel Jensen there, softly smell his cologne.

 

“But if I stop doing the things behind the scenes, you’ll start thinking that I don’t love you anymore.”

 

Jared snorted, “I still have trouble believing you do anyways.”

 

“Oh, really? Why’s that?”

 

“I don’t deserve you.”

 

Jensen snorted, “How do you figure?”

 

“I’m young and stupid-”

 

“And I’m what? Old and wise?”

 

“Sexy and smart,” Jared shot back. There was so long a pause that Jared opened his eyes, turning his head so that he could see Jensen’s face.

 

Jensen’s eyes were wide with surprise, his jaw slack.

 

“As if you didn’t know,” Jared scoffed, closing his eyes again and turning his head back so that it was upright again.

 

“I guess I’ve just never had anyone list my qualities before…”

 

“If I’d have known it would shut you up, I’d have started doing it long ago.”

 

Jensen chuckled a little, “As much as I’d love to stay, you have to get some more medicine.”

 

“No,” Jared whimpered, clinging to Jensen, “I don’t want to wake up, I want to stay here with you.”

 

“You really should call me sometime. I miss you too, you know.”

 

Jared scoffed, “Of course you do, it’s my dream.” Jensen sighed, “Well, I have to go, you need more meds. Perhaps I’ll see you tomorrow, in your dreams of course, or better yet, maybe you’ll call me.”

 

“Don’t count on it,” Jared muttered, and Jensen sighed again, looking more tired than he’d ever appeared to Jared.

 

“Wait!” Jared called softly when Jensen made his way towards the door. “I’ll make you a deal.”

 

Now Jensen tried, but he couldn’t just walk away from that. “What are the terms?”

 

“You tell me why you haven’t before and you give me a kiss and I’ll call you as soon as I wake up.”

 

“Tell you why I haven’t kissed you before, you mean?” Jensen asked, turning to face Jared.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Jensen’s face became unreadable, “I’d hoped you’d remember… I have kissed you before. Once, your first night here, your face was stained with tears and I just wanted you to feel better. And what was the other part, a kiss to wake my prince charming?”

 

“Don’t wake me, but yes.” Jared agreed.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I miss it, and now that I know you have before… I just want to feel it again. You have the best lips ever, the sweetest kiss possible.”

 

Jensen flushed, his freckles blending into the blush slightly, “Again with the sweet talk, you should call me and say these things.”

 

“Why?”

 

“So I know you mean them, so I know it isn’t just your subconscious. Everyone knows that you love me, you just need to tell me that when you aren’t dreaming.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah,” Jensen nodded.

 

“So, am I going to call you when I wake up? It all depends on you now, darling.”

 

Jensen nodded once, “You’re going to call me. Feel free to anytime.”

 

“Kiss a call.”

 

“So I kiss you three times I get three calls?”

 

Jared nodded, feeling slightly more awake. “Make out with me for a while and I’ll call every day for two weeks.”

 

“Oh, really?”

 

Jared shrugged, “We didn’t get to before, when I was sick, I couldn’t enjoy it.”

 

“Ah, that.” Jensen walked over to the side of the bed. “Well, I don’t think it’s fair to make out with your subconscious. You should be awake, don’t you think?”

 

Jared sighed, “I supposed. So what are your stipulations, then?”

 

“Five kisses, that way I get at least a week of hearing your voice. And no tongue, because of the whole dream thing you’ve got going on.”

 

Jared sighed, but then smiled, “Okay, five kisses.”

 

Jensen leaned down. One peck, two peck, three peck, four. But then he paused, looking at Jared for a long time. “One more…” they breathed together, and then closed their eyes and moved together one more time.

 

The kiss wasn’t NC-17, hell it wasn’t even PG-13, but it was long and soulful, tasting even- But as Jensen promised, no tongue. No making out it dream land. Damn him for his logic, Jared thought, but then he was lost in the kiss.

 

A long moment later, he woke up.


	8. Chapter 8

DEDICATION: To " **broken wings** " and “ **Autumn Anonymous** ”still. Not to mention every patient and loving loyal fan. Autumn, please continue to send my best wishes to your friend. 

 

\-----

 

Chapter Eight

 

\-----

 

Jared looked around, but the room was empty. He swallowed thickly, and reached over for the phone. He dialed Jensen’s number, but slammed the handset back down before it could ring.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jared croaked. It may have only been a dream, but he lied to Jensen. He swallowed guiltily. 

 

He heard a crash out and down the hall, and he flinched, a tear slipping down his cheek as he did so. A moment later a nurse slipped in with some medication.

 

“Mr. Padalecki?” she said upon noticing his tear streaked face and watery eyes. “Is everything okay?”

 

Jared forced himself to nod, he even tossed her a smile.

 

He swallowed the medication and fell back into the bed, trying to go back to sleep…

 

“Ah, Mr. Padalecki, you’re awake.”

 

Jared blinked blearily, rubbed his eyes. “Oh, hey, Dr. Patterson. What’s good?”

 

He cleared his throat, “Um, not much, evidently.”

 

Jared froze, his breaths feeling forced and shallow, “Excuse me?”

 

“It appears that your sudden… remission... Well, it appears that an infection has set in because of the chemotherapy. We increased your dosage, and changed a few of your medications, but at the moment…” Patterson looked up from Jared’s chart. “At the moment it doesn’t seem to be doing much. We’re going to put you in a clean room for a while, keep extra close tabs on you…

 

“I’m afraid that any progress that has been made… Is quite possibly lost.”

 

Jared nodded, a low buzzing filling his ears as the doctor continued to talk to him. After the doctor walked out of the room he fell back on the bed, unable to process anything.

 

He picked up the phone after a while and dialed.

 

“I need you,” he said, as soon as his call was answered.

 

\-----

 

Jensen smiled, leaning against the door frame. Jared promised to call him!

 

He quickly pulled out his cell phone and turned the ringer off. He stared at it, hearing Jared start to move around once more.

 

He leaned back and waited for his phone to vibrate. He smiled as he heard Jared stat to dial.

And then frowned as Jared slammed the phone back down. His head fell as he heard Jared’s soft murmur- “I’m sorry…”

 

He shook his head and slipped his phone back into his pocket. As he walked down the hall, he slammed his hand down on a tray table that was sitting out, and it crashed to the ground. He tossed out an apology, but kept walking.

 

He pressed the elevator button but when the door didn’t slide open immediately, he chose to take the stairs.

 

He slammed out of the lobby of the hospital, wishing that he had some kind of vice that would help at this moment.

 

Like smoking, he wished he smoked cigarettes in this moment. He groaned, running a hand through his hair in the moonlight.

 

“Ackles, Right?” Jensen looked over, a girl in the shadows. 

 

“Yeah, what of it?” he growled, way too used to paparazzi attempting to sneak into the hospital for photo’s of Jared.

 

The girl stepped foreword into the florescence lighting from the hospital lobby.

 

“Megan?” Jared’s sister nodded. Jensen looked at her, but didn’t move any closer. “What’re you doing here? I mean, what are you still doing here?”

 

“I…” Megan looked at her feet and then took a breath, “I want to help.”

 

“Help what? Jared, little late don’t you think? I mean, all he wanted was to freakin’ see you but you just walked away because of your damn parents, who -by the way- I still can’t get in contact with.”

 

“I know,” she interrupted, holding up a hand. “I want to give you their address. I want to go with you when you talk to them.”

 

Jensen cocked a brow, “Seriously?”

 

“Yeah… I mean,” she took a deep breath and met his eyes for what was the first time possibly ever since he’d met her. “If you feel this deeply for him… If you love him enough to go through all this… How can it be wrong?”

 

Jensen looked at her, “Yeah, that’s kinda my thought… What’s with the sudden change of heart?”

 

“You.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

She sighed, “I was upstairs, I saw what you did… You let him think he’s sleeping, dreaming.”

 

“That’s actually -probably- the most selfish thing I’ve done in a long time.”

 

“How do you figure, Mr. Ackles?”

 

“I don’t really see how that’s your business, Megan. So, how about we go back to talking about finding Jay’s parents for him?” Megan nodded, “Yeah, I can do that.”

 

She took a deep breath, “Jensen-”

 

“My friends call me Jensen,” he said, pulling out his cell phone, “You can keep calling me Ackles.” He glanced at her, and she nodded slowly, “Okay.”

 

He nodded once, sharply, holding his phone back up to his ear, “I’m going to need two tickets on the earliest flight to-” He looked at Megan and she mouthed San Antonio. “-San Antonio.”

 

After making the arrangements, Jensen slipped his cell phone back into his pocket. “I scoured that city, I even hired a PI to find them; how is it possible for them to live there and have left no trace of their existence?”

 

“They live just out side San Antone now, they bought a ranch just after I… After Jared turned ten. They don’t make much of a splash anymore.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Why what?”

 

Jensen sighed heavily, and then spoke very slowly, “Why don’t they make a splash anymore?”

 

Megan snorted, “Their gay son is a famous actor, would you make a splash?”

 

Jensen didn’t know what look he had on his face, but it must have been fantastic based on Megan’s reaction. She flinched -visibly- and gasped, “I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean- I-”

 

Jensen threw up his hand and walked away from her, “American Airlines, two o’clock.” 

 

He wondered if she’d actually showed up, and realized that he really wanted her to; not because he wanted to see her, but because he needed her help. As much as he hated to admit it, he needed her help.

 

He hurried out of the hospital drop zone and to the apartment he rarely used as of late. Christ, he’d spent so much time traveling and searching for Jay’s family that he hadn’t been their in almost a week, not really.

 

As of late, he’d been going home to shower and change, that was about it.

 

He walked to the apartment, the sun rising by the time he got there; good long walk, probably not his smartest move, he’d be feeling it for a while.

 

He set three alarms on his cell phone, fifteen minutes apart, so that he would be sure that he got up with enough time to shower and get to the airport- he had a bag packed and ready to go at any moment ever since he’d kept the PI on retainer. 

 

He fell into the bed, and without even taking off his shoes, fell into a fitful slumber…

 

“Ahg,” Jensen growled, blinking at his phone. 

 

First alarm. 

 

He rolled over and managed to doze for a few more moments when “Ah, gah…” 

 

Second alarm.

 

He turned the alarm off, yawned and laid there with his eyes closed for another long moment, when, “Ah, god…”

 

Yep, he finally got the two mutters out. Time to get up. 

 

He snapped off the alarm and set the phone back in its charger. He pulled off his shoes without bothering to unlace them and padded over to the bathroom.

 

He twisted on the shower and pulled his t-shirt up and over his head before popping the button on his jeans and pulling them, his charcoal boxer briefs and socks off. 

 

“Fuck,” he uttered and pulled back the shower just far enough to climb under the hot water. He stood there for a long moment, his eyes closed and head bowed as he let the water course over his body.

 

There was just something that was so damn delicious about those first few moments of a shower. That minute or so before you started to actually do anything, those seconds where you just stood there and let yourself enjoy the feel of the water.

 

He sighed and opened his eyes.

 

And then the moment was gone. 

 

Jensen sighed, his breath shaky. He tipped his head back, eyes closed once more.

 

Why was he even bothering? Jared didn’t want his help, didn’t want him to keep visiting; Hell, didn’t even want to talk to him on the phone.

 

He sniffed, part of him amazed when he didn’t get nostrils filled with water, but the bigger part of him was more focused on the fact that he was getting desperate, on the verge of giving up.

 

He slammed his fist against the tiled wall, easily ignoring the tears sliding down his cheeks, quite able to pretend it was just the shower. And, while usually, Jensen was not the kind of guy that would pretend in his own mind… Now, well, now seemed like a really good time to start; because it was _totally_ just the shower…

 

He blinked more tears down his cheeks. _Riiiiiight…_

 

Jensen sighed and ignored the steady stream of tears as he scrubbed his face, skin, hair… He squeezed the tube of tooth paste and jammed his tooth brush into his mouth as he rinsed his hair. He used one hand to brush his teeth and the other to rinse the suds out of his hair.

 

After he got out of the shower he pulled clothes from his closet on. They were stale, clean but stale. 

 

He dialed a cab company that he’d saved in his phone back when he and Jay had taken to go out drinking -a little too much- every now then. They knew his address, his destination, and said a cab would be there in about a half an hour.

 

He waited in the front hall, leaning against the door as he waited for the honk of arrival. His mind was completely blank, he wasn’t thinking about anything except _Okay, one less minute to wait… Two less minutes…_ He couldn’t bear to think of anything else.

 

After _twenty nine less minutes to wait…_ Jensen swung his duffle over his shoulder and swung the door open just as the cab’s beep started. He held up a hand in half salute and closed the door, once again unsure as to whether or not he’d locked it, and once again not caring if he had or not.

 

He hadn’t ever had this cabbie before, but word must have gotten around that as of late he wasn’t much of a talker. They rode the entire way to the airport with out more than the cab fare spoken between them. Jensen tipped almost fifteen dollars, handing the man a fifty and climbing out without waiting for change. 

 

Megan was standing at the beginning security to their gate, she waved hesitantly and Jensen responded with a half hearted half nod.

 

He continued walking over, and just as he reached her, his cell phone beeped in his pocket.

 

He pulled it out and looked at it, **PRIVATE CALLER**. His brow furrowed, but he answered it all the same.

 

“Hel-” he was interrupted almost before he could get the word out. When he heard the voice on the other end, his heart stopped.


	9. Chapter 9

DEDICATION: To " **broken wings** " and “ **Autumn Anonymous** ”still. Not to mention every patient and loving loyal fan. Autumn, please continue to send my best wishes to your friend. 

 

\-----

 

Chapter Nine

 

\-----

 

Jared was being wheeled to the clean room, head bowed as Diana, the little blonde nurse that still managed to make him feel human despite all this, pushed his wheelchair out of the elevator towards what was going to be his prison for the foreseeable future.

 

They stopped in front of a sliding glass door with a bunch of huge, bright signs pasted all over it. He heaved a sigh and pushed himself out of the chair. Diana followed him in and squirted both of their hands with hand sanitizer. Then they changed. 

 

Jared into a new, all germs removed gown- Well, two actually, one on backwards to hide his butt on under the one that he wore facing correctly. Diana just slipped a… Something, a germ cover? On over her scrubs. She also covered her head with a cap thing, and tucked all her hair under it. And she slipped a mask on over her features before slipping on gloves and little foot cover thingies that Jared also chose to don because he didn’t have any socks, and his feet always got cold.

 

“You might want to cover your ears, it tends to be a little louder than people expect,” Diana said, holding her own arms out from her body. Jared did the same, surprised by how loud the air was as it spewed its germ-killing solution over every inch of him.

 

After he was de-germified, the other door slid open and he reluctantly sat down on the bed and let Diana reattach all the electrodes and things that monitored his heart and breathing and blood pressure and all other what-have-yous that needed to be reattached. 

 

He settled back in the bed, falling asleep before Diana left, the doctor came in and gave more meds, or his guest arrived.

 

When he woke up a few hours later, he could hear something outside. Outside his room. It sounded like murmurs, but he knew that could he hear it at its normal volume he knew that it was shouts. 

 

One of which was Diana. 

 

Wait, what? 

 

Diana shouting? That was new. Before he could give it anymore thought, the outer door slid open. Jared felt his breath catch in his throat, _could it be?_ but he couldn’t see through the frosted glass door that separated him from the de-germification chamber as Jared … ‘lovingly’ nicknamed it. 

 

His breath hitched, and then the door slid open.

 

“Hey, you okay?”

 

Jared felt his shoulders shrug, “I guess, okay as can be expected. Glad you came.”

 

“Glad you called,” Jeff said, wandering over to the side of Jared’s bed. “Sorry you had to, but glad you did.”

 

Jared sighed, “Well, yeah… Thanks.”

 

“Anytime, little brother.” Jared nodded once and looked away, a lump forming in his throat. He knew it was his fault, but all the same… The one person he wanted there wasn’t.

 

\-----

 

Jensen stood still, the phone still pressed to his ear as the masses of people walked by.

 

How long had he been standing there with the phone pressed to his ear? Megan had given up on snapping him out of his funk at least twenty minutes ago, but still… There he stood.

 

Like a moron.

 

In the middle of the airport with a disconnected phone pressed to his ear.

 

He snapped out of it as a particularly rotund man slammed into his shoulder causing him to step back in effort to keep his balance.

 

He blinked rapidly and then looked around. Crossing the room and settling onto the bench next to Megan.

 

“We missed our flight.”

 

He didn’t look at her, “I know.”

 

“But, we missed our flight.”

 

“Look, I was paying, and I will be paying for the next ticket as well, and I am well aware that we missed said flight.”

 

“But we missed-”

 

“Jerry called me,” Jensen interrupted, “You father called me and that is why we missed our flight.”

 

“D- Dad called you? Why?” She looked panicked, her eyes going all dart-y.

 

_He pulled his cell phone out and looked at it, **PRIVATE CALLER**. His brow furrowed, but he answered it all the same._

_“Hel-” he was interrupted almost before he could get the word out. When he heard the voice on the other end, his heart stopped._

_“Mr. Ackles,” Jerry Padalecki said. Jensen’s heart going from a standstill to a 60 beats a second. That couldn’t be healthy. “I am well aware that you have private investigator looking for my wife’s and my location and I want you to stop._

_“I am well aware that Jared has fallen ill, and I am sure that you are well aware that I refuse to support the idea of any kind of contact with him while he deludes himself with his_ perversions _. For as long as he pretends that the desire to go home and_ rape _men on a regular basis is acceptable, I refuse to support any idea of his existence.”_

_Nausea rose in Jensen’s throat, “Rape? I find that highly insulting and, more over, a disgusting-”_

_“I don’t care if you find it insulting,” Jerry interrupted, apparently he was not a fan of hearing anyone else speak. “It’s the truth -Whether you see it as such or not._

_“I fully expect you to tell that PI to pull back, If you do not, I will take some kind legal action against you and it will be expensive and possibly ruin your career._

_“I’ll pretend to hope you have a good day.”_

_Jensen stood there, actually physically swaying back and forth as Jared’s father’s hatred settled on him…_

 

“Oh, my god…” Megan murmured.

 

“Yeah, pretty much,” Jensen murmured. He took a deep breath. “Okay,” he stood up. “I have to go.”

 

“Where?” Megan asked.

 

“I suggest you go home, Megan.” Jensen said and pulled his duffle bag higher on his shoulder. “I have something I need to do.”

 

Megan nodded once before Jensen turned around and walked away.

 

\-----

 

Jared sighed, pulling the cover up a little bit. Jeff had left to go to bed a while ago, but Jared couldn’t sleep. There wasn’t a chance of it.

 

He looked at his naked night stand. It looked so sad and lonely there, it was missing something.

 

Something.

 

Something, he said, as if he didn’t know exactly what missing. 

 

He just couldn’t admit it, just like he couldn’t admit how much he missed … Someone.

 

He was an idiot, the biggest idiot possibly ever. 

 

He squeezed his eyes shut against the onslaught of tears, but they snapped open as he heard the outer doors slide open followed by the de-germification spray. He rolled over and looked at the door.

 

He felt himself gasp.

 

“Hey,” Jensen said, standing just in front of the inner door.

 

“Hey,” Jared heard himself say, even though he wasn’t sure at all how he came up with the brain power to speak.


	10. Chapter 10

DEDICATION: To " **broken wings** " and “ **Autumn Anonymous** ”still. Not to mention every patient and loving loyal fan. Autumn, please continue to send my best wishes to your friend. 

 

\-----

 

Chapter Ten

 

\-----

 

Jared rolled over and looked at the door; he heard himself gasp.

 

“Hey,” Jensen said, standing in the room wearing bright yellow germ-free scrubs.

 

“Hey,” Jared heard himself say, and then he just pulled the covers down behind him and scooted as close to the edge of the hospital bed as he could.

 

Jared closed his eyes, tears squeezing out from under his lids as Jensen slid into the tiny bed behind him pressing them together impossibly close as Jensen laid his head on one arm and curled the other around Jared’s waist, holding them each on the bed under the covers.

 

“This is a good dream,” Jared whispered, voice shaking in an effort to keep his emotions in check.

 

“It’s not a dream,” Jensen responded, not moving an inch.

 

“Yeah, but then,” Jared half laughed, half sobbed, “None of them were, were they?”

 

Jensen tensed for a moment, “I don’t know… Maybe you did dream about me on the few nights I couldn’t come.”

 

“I never did,” Jared admitted, “probably because even my subconscious knows that nothing I could imagine could be better than actually having you in my arms.”

 

Jensen lightly kissed the shell of Jared’s ear.

 

“I wish they were, though,” Jared admitted, still whispering with the force of emotions that he was feeling.

 

“Why?” Jensen asked, voice void of any emotion.

 

“Because… If they were dreams… It meant that I never had you, never was stupid enough to tell you to leave… I was dumb, Jen,” Jared’s voice cracked, and he sniffed, body rocking softly with sobs. “More than dumb… I just…”

 

“You don’t have to explain,” Jensen’s whisper caressed him.

 

“Yeah, I do. It’s the damn least I can do… I just… I was going down, I was failing and there was nothing I could do about it.” He pulled in a harsh breath, “And I knew… I knew that if you stayed with me, that I’d pull you down, too. 

 

“Supernatural was our big break, we’re never gonna get a better chance than this… And I lost mine because I got sick, and I’m okay with that… As long as I get better, as long as I _live_ that’s more than enough for me, Jen…

 

“But I want more for you… You deserve so much more than this, waste of time and space that I am now… You deserve the world on a golden platter and I can’t give that to you. I was never good enough…

 

“But now? You deserve so much more… You always deserved more, but now there is just no way that I’ll ever be able to be enough, be able to give you everything that you should get…

 

“I’m just a waste now, there’s nothing I can do… Everything that I was, that I worked for… 

 

“None of it matters now, I’ll never be that person again… Never be allowed to be that person again… The doctors won’t let me, the directors won’t hire me… And worst of all… People just won’t want to see me anymore… 

 

“If you aren’t perfect, you aren’t worth it… And I was never worth it, but now everyone will know it… You‘ll know…”

 

Jensen waited, his own tears sliding down his cheeks now. “Jay?” he whispered, his voice shaking from the strain of it. But Jared didn’t answer, couldn’t answer.

 

Jensen closed his eyes, finally registering the feel of Jared’s steady breaths. Everything that had happened that day, everything that he’d just said… All the things he’d finally admitted to feeling… Hell, bottling up all the things he’d just admitted to had to be exhausting, but bottling them up until they exploded like that?

 

No wonder Jared had fallen asleep mid-vent. 

 

Honestly, who could blame him?

 

Although, Jensen thought to himself, feeling the weight of his own eyelids as they drooped, hearing all those things… About him, about how Jared saw him, how Jared saw himself… That was pretty tiring, too…

 

Even with all the things that Jared got wrong- he wasn’t good enough for Jensen?- they were all things that had to be talked about…

 

Jensen yawned, drifting off himself… Tomorrow, they’d talk tomorrow.

 

Jared felt his body jerk a little when he woke up. He screwed his eyes closed and took a deep breath. There it was, the one thing that Jensen overlooked -subconsciously or no- every time he visited Jared. 

 

His smell, the scent of his shampoo mixing with his soap and his cologne and something that was purely and delightfully Jensen. It lingered for at least an hour after Jensen left… Or that was as long as Jared could steadily breath after just waking and still smell it on the air -his skin if he was lucky…

 

That’s when he registered the amazingly beautiful weight that was Jensen’s arm still draped over his waist. 

 

He couldn’t help but sigh and burrow a little deeper into Jensen’s warmth.

 

“Ahem,” Jared took one more breath and then peeled his eyes open, not even bothering to fake a sheepish look as he registered Diana standing beside the bed, hands on her hips.

 

“Morning,” he yawned, laying his -in his opinion- stupidly frail arm on top of Jensen’s, linking their fingers under the covers.

 

“You have to get up, Jared,” she said quietly.

 

“I’m dying, Diana. So, I think I’d rather stay here like this,” He closed his eyes again. “I mean, really, with Jensen here, I can barely feel my organs rotting away inside me.”

 

“Jay,” Jensen growled warningly in his ear. Jared smiled a little underneath his pout. 

 

“Yes, Jensen?” he replied, just as quietly.

 

“If you die, I will kill you. And I really don’t want to have to do that,” Jensen whispered.

 

“Well,” Jared said, tilting his head a little, “When you put it like that, I mean, with such intelligence…”

 

Jensen squeezed his hand, showing Jared that even though he saw through the façade that he was going to let Jared play it this way if he must. 

 

Of course, that squeeze also meant that he fully intended to have a very long conversation about it later. Meant that he would let him play that part… For now, but it would have to go.

 

“What do you need, Diana?” Jared asked, still not moving from Jensen’s ever-loving arms.

 

“Basic stuff, Jared, some meds for you.”

 

“Do I have to move?” he looked at her with puppy eyes, hoping that they were still as effective as they had been when he’d been nice and healthy.

 

She sighed, rolled her eyes a little and then bit her lip to hide her smile. “No, I guess not,” she shook her head, “I’ll be back in a few with your meds.”

 

“Okay,” Jared sighed, “You do that.”

 

Jensen chuckled and pressed a kiss against the back of Jared’s neck.


	11. Chapter 11

DEDICATION: To " **broken wings** " and “ **Autumn Anonymous** ”still. **Magos186** : You know you deserve mass props on this, you were practically my muse for half of this. You are awesome and I love you, May! Not to mention every patient and loving loyal fan. Autumn, please continue to send my best wishes to your friend. And to **Sweetpea** : Your last review honestly touched me, thank you.

 

\-----

 

Chapter Eleven

 

\-----

 

Jared was a little too content from waking in Jensen’s arms, rolling onto his back after Diana left and having Jensen carefully hold himself above him as they kissed so deliciously to notice that Diana had come back with his meds.

 

“UH-HEM!” She practically shouted, but smiled as Jared finally lay back on the bed when Jensen slipped off and settled into the chair next to him. Jared couldn’t help but beam at him as he felt Jensen’s hand curl carefully around his own.

 

“Alright,” Jared said, tearing his eyes away from Jensen’s, “Dope me up, I can take it.”

 

She laughed and shook her head as she handed him the little plastic cup of pills and glass of water. Jared tipped the pills into his mouth like he was slamming back a shot and then took the glass of water, draining it before sticking his tongue out to prove that he’d swallowed them all.

 

“Okay, your doctor should be coming in soon to give you an update.”

 

“Update?”

 

“From all the tests he ran yesterday?” she asked, smiling a little, “Nothing to worry about, I’m sure.”

 

Jared nodded, pretending that he couldn’t feel the lump building in his throat.

 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jensen murmured, releasing his hand and smoothing the frown lines that creased Jared’s forehead. “You’re gonna be okay, I’m here, you’re good, okay?”

 

Jared nodded, feeling Jensen’s hand skate over his peach fuzz as he did. But something didn’t feel right. He grabbed Jensen’s wrist quickly, looking at his hand. Several loose strands were caught between his fingers.

 

Jared swallowed thickly.

 

He’d gotten so used to his shiny bald head. First, looking like that because Mike had given him a careful clean shave and then because it had stayed that way because of the medications. But as soon as it had started growing in again… He’d realized that, while, yes, it was stupid, Jared missed his hair. 

 

His shaggy hair was just a part of who he was. Shaggy hair and Padalecki had become synonymous during his seasons of Supernatural, and that’s just the way it was.

 

And now? Now that he was more lost than ever on what he was going to do once he got better, once he got out of here… He just wished he had something that that seemed like him.

 

He swallowed harshly and lifted his hands to the top of his head, rubbing his scalp harshly. He clenched his jaw tightly, hoping to lock back the tears. Stupid fucking tears.

 

“Hey, heyheyhey,” Jensen hushed, grabbing his wrists and pulling them down and away from his scalp.

 

“I just want it gone,” Jared hissed, feeling like a damned fucking two year old.

 

“Okay,” Jensen nodded, “But can we maybe do that a different way? One that doesn’t make you want to scream?”

 

Jared nodded, sniffing and unable to meet Jensen’s gaze.

 

Jensen cocked his head to the side, forcing Jared to meet his eyes. “What’s going on, Jay?”

 

“Nothing,” Jared lied. He sighed when Jensen just cocked a brow, not backing down. “It’s just… You’re being all sweet and grown up and I’m practically pulling my hair out in a temper tantrum like a two year old!”

 

“Jay… Everything is changing on you, has been for a while… You’re allowed to freak out, and when you’ve got every thing bottled up the way that you’re wont to do… You’re allowed a few tantrums as well. But here’s the thing you’re forgetting…” Jensen paused, “You listening to me sweetie?” Jared nodded, flushing at the pet name, “here’s the thing you’re forgetting- I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to do this all by yourself anymore.” Jensen’s hand laid itself gently on his cheek and his thumb caressed him gently, catching one of Jared’s tears as it started to fall. Jared tipped his head forward and caught Jensen’s lips with a gentle nip.

 

“Aw,” Diana cooed, and for the first time since she’s last spoken, Jared and Jensen became aware of her presence. “Sorry,” she murmured and hurried from the room.

 

Jared chucked a little as he caught the tail end of the glare Jensen had shot her way, “Jen, be nice. She’s been really nice this whole time, okay?” Jensen grumbled, a delicious looking pout settling on his lips. “Please? For me?”

 

“For you, anything,” Jensen said, “But I’m still going to sit here and pout for a second before I give in, okay?”

 

Jared laughed a little, and nodded, placating the man, “Yes, dear.”

 

Jensen cracked at that though. “Thanks for ruining it!”

 

“Hey,” Jared said, holding his hands up in surrender. “You can pout anytime you want.”

 

“Oh, really?” Jensen said, an eyebrow quirking despite himself, “And why is that? Don’t want me happy?”

 

“Of course I want you happy,” Jared said, feeling a little guilty even as he knew that Jensen was only teasing. “But, see, when you pout? You just look so…” He gave a little growl, “And trust me, I would do _anything_ to make that pout leave the building.”

 

Jensen’s cheeks burned bright red, but before he could utter another word, Jared’s doctor bustled into the room.

 

“Well, you seem to be feeling better, Mr. Padalecki.” Jared flushed and nodded, not trusting himself to not say something embarrassing. “Well, I have some good news, and some bad news.”

 

“Bad news first please,” Jared uttered, hands scrabbling across the sheet until he could clutch Jen’s hand.

 

“Well, actually, to understand the bad news, I need to give you some good news first, is that okay?” The doctor asked, looking at the chart in his hands. Jared nodded. “Okay, well- We know what your infection is and we know how to fight. And because we found it so quickly we can take some radical action, and it shouldn’t be as much of a set back as we were originally expecting. This also means that we don’t have to find a marrow donor, as it seems unlikely that you will need a transplant.” 

 

Jared gasped, and blinked back tears. He smiled at the doctor, and the doctor smiled back, giving him a moment to digest that.

 

“Oh, thank God,” Jensen murmured, sniffing a little himself. He squeezed Jared’s hand and let out a sigh as he sent Jared a tearful smile.

 

“Unfortunately,” the doctor continued, and Jared slammed back down after his short stroll on cloud nine. “The infection that you have is rather rare.

 

“The only reason that we tested for it is that we are using that particular strain in some studies another department is working on.” Jared could feel the confusion lining his face. “Long story short, there is no way that while walking around the hospital or even when you went out with your brother…” The doctor cleared his throat, looking down at the chart, unable to meet Jared’s eyes. “This simply isn’t an infection that you could have picked up in downtown Vancouver.”

 

“What?” Jensen gasped.

 

“What the hell does that mean?” Jared hissed.

 

“It…” he cleared his throat again, “It means that someone on staff purposefully exposed you to the infection.”

 

Jared felt the words hit him, each like a punch to the gut. “Wh-Why would someone do that? Who? Who did that?”

 

The doctor shook his head, “We still aren’t sure who it was, all we do know is that we’re conducting a very thorough investigation and that you will be informed as soon as we do know. Whoever it was will immediately be fired, and will be black listed from ever working in a hospital again.”

 

Jared fell back in his bed, unsure of what to say or do right now. Then another thought struck him, “Was anyone else exposed? I’d be happy to pay if anyone else was that can’t afford the additional medical care.”

 

The doctor once again tipped his head down, “I’m so sorry, Mr. Padalecki… But it appears that only you were exposed.”

 

“I… I…” Jared fumbled for words. “Why?! Why would someone do that?”

 

The doctor met his eyes, finally, and he could see the same sense of betrayal in them. “I do not know, Mr. Padalecki, but as soon as I find out who did it… You will be the first to know.”

 

Jared sniffed again, and nodded, “Thank you.”

 

“It’s the least I can do,” the doctor murmured. 

 

“Hey, it’s not your fault, right?” Jared asked, trying to make him feel a little better.

 

“It was a member of my staff, sir. If I’m not fired over this, I may resign anyway.”

 

Jared shook his head, “Don’t do that, sir. This isn’t your fault, I don’t blame you.”

 

Jensen growled, but agreed, “That’s true. You can’t control what they did, all you can control is what happens now, and if you leave? It makes you look just as guilty. And I know if it comes down to it, Jared will make some kind of speech if your boss asks you to leave.”

 

“That’s true, I would,” Jared nodded.

 

“Well, thank you,” the doctor coughed, looking a little embarrassed. “As for now? We’re going to limit the amount of staff that has access to you and your case file, as well as increasing the security that Mr. Ackles set up out side your room.”

 

Jared looked at Jensen, who was nodding, “Security, Jen? Really?”

 

“Of course,” Jensen muttered, “Now hush and listen to the good doctor.”

 

“As a safety precaution, we’ve changed the codes and the only staff allowed in your room is that of people that have not, until this point, worked with you.”

 

Jared’s forehead creased, “But Diana was in here earlier? I’ve worked with her before?”

 

The doctor looked down at his chart in confusion, “Oh, well, that must have slipped by the staff at the station, I’ll have a word with them.”

 

Jared nodded, “She gave me some medication-?”

 

“She what? What medication did she give you?”

 

“Um, a blue tablet and a little yellow one? And a red and white capsule?”

 

The doctor took a cup of pills off the chart and showed it to him, “These? Are these the medications she gave you?”

 

Jared looked at it and nodded, fear choking him.

 

“Oh, okay then. I thought I was clear in saying that I wanted to give you your first dose… I must not have been…” He trailed off and then looked at Jared. “Alright, well, I will keep you updated on our investigation and will be by in a few hours to run a few more test and give you your next dose.”

 

Jared nodded, “Thank you, Doctor.”

 

The doctor nodded and walked out.

 

“Shit, Jay,” Jensen hissed, guilty clearly staining his face.

 

“Hey, what’s with the guilty face? It’s not your fault that some nut-job went after me.”

 

“If only I’d gotten security here faster! None of this would have happened!” Jensen cursed and jumped from his seat to pace back and forth.

 

“Jen, come back, please? I’m about to freak the fuck out and I can’t handle that, you need to take my mind off of it… _Please…_ “ Jared pleaded, feeling the fear and nausea- for once not caused by his physical illness- clawing at him.

 

“Hey,” Jensen whispered, hugging Jared against him. “It’s okay, sweetie; you’re gonna be okay. They know what it is, and you’re a fighter. You can do this- _We_ can do this. It’s gonna be okay…”

 

Jared nodded against Jensen’s chest, letting himself just feel the love for a moment before Jensen pulled back.

 

“Okay, come on- Taking your mind off it time.”

 

Jared laughed a little at Jensen’s name for it, but let Jensen lead him to the bathroom. “Here? Now? Like this?”

 

“Horn dog,” Jensen teased, “And no, not like this. When we finally make love… It’s not gonna be something we do to take your mind off things.”

 

Jared shivered, and settled on the toilet, straddling it the way Jensen gestured for him to do. He closed his eyes and let his head tip foreword as Jensen carefully ran the comb through his short, short hair. 

 

The motion was extremely soothing, and he just let himself enjoy it until Jensen whispered in his ear, “You awake, sleepyhead?”

 

“Mmm,” Jared murmured, opening his eyes. When had he fallen asleep? He didn’t even question how he’d fallen asleep. Sleeping sitting up was nothing compared to the feeling of Jensen’s soothing motions.

 

He stretched carefully and stood, seeing Jensen for the first time since he’d sat down.

 

“What’re you doing?”

 

Jensen had a towel wrapped around his shoulders and he’d tossed his shirt over the sink.

 

“Me? I’m not doing anything. I’m going to sit right there. You’re the one who’s gonna have to do all the work.”

 

“What’re you talking about?”

 

“Look, Jay… I know how much you hate being the only bald one around, how much you don’t feel like you,” Jared tipped his head down, and Jensen waited until he had the younger man’s gaze before speaking again. “I mean, with Mikey leaving Smallville, even he’s started growing his hair out… And, look, I love you, so yeah…” His cheeks burned bright red, “So you’re gonna have to do the honors.”

 

“Do the honors?”

 

“MmHmm,” Jensen said, and held up the hand that had been behind his back. It held a pair of clippers. “I was going to do it myself, you know, surprise you? But I doubt I could get it all, so… Would you mind?”

 

Jared shook his head, biting his cracked dry lips to keep the emotion down. Jensen kissed his cheek and then settled on the toilet, straddling it the way Jared had been moments before.

 

Jared sniffed and then shook his head. “Are you sure about this?”

 

Jensen grabbed Jared’s hand, pressing a kiss to his wrist, just above the clippers. “Of course I’m sure.”

 

Jared flushed, and carefully flicked the clippers on.

 

There was something so intimate about running the clippers carefully over Jensen’s head. He could feel their breath hitch in unison as the blade slid up and over the nape of Jensen’s neck. Jensen shivered with every careful pass over his scalp.

 

After all the hair was cut from Jensen’s head, revealing miles of smooth pale scalp, Jared couldn’t help but run a huge hand over it. Jensen shivered again, and then stood, dropping the towel.

 

“You’re like an inch and a half shorter looking now,” Jared teased as Jensen wrapped his arms around him.

 

“Thanks!” Jensen said, in a cross between a scoff, snort and laugh. He moved to leave Jared’s embrace, but Jared pulled him tight against him.

 

“No, thank you… This is quite possibly the sweetest thing anyone could ever do for me.” Jensen burned bright red, but before he could utter a single word, Jared kissed him lightly- Not caring that he was in a clean room or that any infection could wipe him out.

 

Jensen hissed, pulling back. “Okay, as much as I want this to continue? It’s not safe to do right now… But I promise,” he continued, having caught the look on Jared’s face, “that once we are out of here? We’re going to do that a lot.”

 

“Promise?” Jared asked, despite himself.

 

“I may just demand it,” Jensen said, not letting Jared feel even a little embarrassed. Jared flushed all the same, and didn’t let Jensen pull away from him until he pressed one more kiss against his lips.

 

“So,” Jared said, settling back onto the bed, and watching Jensen brush some stray hairs from his bare chest. Jensen looked up and flushed a little at Jared’s hungry gaze, and then took his time brushing non-existent hairs from his pecs. Jared licked his lips and then shook his head a little. Jensen laughed and pulled his t-shirt back on.

 

“So?” he asked, trying to get Jared back on track.

 

“Oh, right,” Jared shook his head, ignoring Jensen’s laugh, “So, how’re we going to explain that?”

 

“Explain what?” Jensen asked, a little too innocently. “You mean all the hair on the floor? Simple, we tell the truth. Damn clippers just kept attacking me!” He put on a ‘I’m-so-traumatized’ face, “They wouldn’t leave me alone until all my hair was on the floor!”

 

Jared cracked up, falling back on the bed, and just let the delicious mirth rush over and through him.

 

It had been a while since he just laughed, but the best part had to be when Jensen flopped onto the bed next to him. Jared pressed a kiss to Jensen’s shiny scalp, “You’re so sweet, Jen.”

 

“Nah,” Jensen answered, “That’s not sweet… That’s bald, dear.”

 

Jared started laughing again.

 

It wasn’t so much that it was that funny, it was just… The feeling of having Jensen next to him and being so sweet in an effort to keep him from freaking out… It felt really, _really_ good to laugh again.


	12. Chapter 12

DEDICATION: To " **broken wings** " and “ **Autumn Anonymous** ”still. Not to mention every patient and loving loyal fan. Autumn, please continue to send my best wishes to your friend. Also to **Magos186** for mentioning in passing that I suck for not updating this in way too freaking long- She’s right, I suck folks. ::innocent smile:: Have faith, I’m trying.

 

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Chapter Twelve

 

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Jared didn’t want to wake up, he really didn’t. It felt far too right sleeping next to Jensen. He smiled a little, eyes still shut and reached tiredly out to Jen.

 

The bed was cool and empty around him. He forced his eyes open and his mind not to freak out.

 

Jensen was standing by the door, looking pale and sweaty.

 

Jared felt his brow furrow.

 

“Jen?”

 

Jensen spun around, a deer in the headlights. After a few moments his mouth flopped around uselessly, but he didn’t even attempt to make a sound. Something that Jared couldn’t help but feel a little thankful for…

 

If the way his life was going was any indication, it was clear that he didn’t really want to hear anything that Jensen had to tell him, not if it had Jensen looking like that.

 

“I don’t want to know, do I?” Jared asked, looking down at his hands.

 

Jensen was saved from answering though, as Jared’s room phone rang quietly. Jensen hurried over to it and scooped it up before Jared could even look towards it.

 

“Hello? … Yes, I’ll be right there, thank you. … Oh, and please don’t allow anymore calls through to the room until I return. … Thank you, thanks so much.” Jensen dropped the phone back on the cradle and hastened towards the door. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

 

“O-” Jensen walked out, “Kay,” Jared finished with a sigh, talking to an empty room.

 

He laid back, closing his eyes and trying to swallow the lump of fear that was attempting to strangle him.

 

Jared sighed again, taking his right hand in his left and cracking each knuckle in turn.

 

Each passing second seemed to take hours, but then Jensen was back.

 

Mikey, Chris, and Steve in tow.

 

“It’s not that bad,” Steve said softly, ever the mellow fucker.

 

Christian glared at Steve, shaking his hand off. The Oklahoman looked ready to spit fire.

 

Mikey just looked like he was about to laugh.

 

And Jensen still looked like he was standing on the tracks looking at a train barreling towards him.

 

“Kripke’s on his way,” Jensen said quietly. “I’d say it’s that bad.”

 

Mikey burst out laughing, “He’s on his way? Ah ha ha.”

 

“Ass,” Christian swore, slamming his fist into Mike’s shoulder. Mike fell into the wall, back to Jared for the first time.

 

“Two things,” Jared said, speaking up for the first time. “One; what the hell is going on? And two; what’s in Mikey’s back pocket?”

 

“You brought it?” Jensen, Steve and Chris said in unison. Mike smirked and turned around with a shrug, “Of course I brought it. He deserves to see it, Jen.”

 

“Fuck you!” Jensen said, shoving him back into the wall, “He doesn’t need the stress! Not right now!”

 

“Jensen,” Jared spat the name sharply. “Christian is about to punch a hole in the world, Steve looks like he’s just used Moby Dick’s bong, and Mike is way too amused for it to be anything good. I can’t figure out how you really and truly believe that something that has this many people bent out of shape, including Eric, that it’s something _don’t_ need to know.”

 

Jensen looked at Mikey, Mike looked at Jen. And then Jensen nodded and Mikey tossed him the magazine that had been curled up in his back pocket.

 

Jared caught it, looking down at the back cover for a long moment before working up the nerve to flip it over.

 

There he was. On the front cover of some tabloid. 

 

Him and Jensen, their heads shiny in the bright halogen lights, pressed closely together, eyes closed. And in the left bottom corner was a blown up picture of them kissing.

 

Jared stopped breathing, studying the picture. It was from the hospital. 

 

Someone at the hospital had taken these.

 

“Fuck,” he breathed, flipping to the four page expose dedicated to them.

 

Pictures of them sleeping together, Jared curled around Jensen’s frame. Jensen cradling him protectively, even in sleep. Another two pictures of them kissing, almost the same, clearly haven been taken one right after the other. One of Jensen gazing adoringly (No, really- There was no other way to describe it) at Jared as Jared laughed. One of Jared smiling blindingly up at Jensen, hand on Jen’s bald head.

 

But the last one was the nail in their coffin… It was one of them smiling almost at the camera as they held each other close.

 

“Fuck,” he said again, audibly this time.

 

“Yeah,” Jensen said, still halfway across the room. “The one where we look like we’re smiling at the camera… We fucking screwed, Jay.”

 

“You’ll be fine,” Steve murmured, his voice husky and soothing.

 

“Have a fucking emotion,” Christian growled, stepping away from Steve’s comforting hand again.

 

“Don’t snap at him,” Jared muttered the same time as Jensen. At first glance, people might assume that Christian hated Steve, but the truth was the opposite. They loved each other, and Steve often calmed Chris when no one else could; but it appeared that he just refused to be pacified in this case. 

 

“Why’re you so pissed?” Jared asked, desperate for the distraction.

 

“Why aren’t you?” Chris spat.

 

“Because someone got to you guys,” Steve answered after an awkward beat, “And you two are as careful as we are.”

 

“Shut the hell up, Steve,” Chris growled, “We can’t talk about it here.”

 

Steve rolled his eyes.

 

“Hey, Jen?” Jared asked, realization reaching up and bitch slapping him in the face.

 

“Yeah?” Jensen looked at him, hand wrapped around his neck.

 

“The only… I mean, you came back before you got my… Before… I mean, you came back because I got sicker, right?”

 

“Yeah, what’s your point?”

 

Jared bent in half, and launched himself half over the edge of his bed, his stomach emptying its contents. 

 

Jensen flew to his side, rubbing a soothing hand over his back, “Jay, babe? What’s wrong?”

 

“I know,” he choked, “I know who did it.”

 

“What, baby? Took the pictures or got you sick?” They ignored the sound of Christian’s fist flying into the hospital wall.

 

“Yeah,” Jared said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and turning to look at Jensen. “Yeah, I know who it was.”

 

And he did. 

 

The person that took the pictures and the one that got him sick… They were the same person.

 

The same fucking person.

 

And that person? Was also the only one he really trusted at the hospital.

 

He gagged again, and Jensen held him close when the tears ripped free from his eyes.

 

“It was Diana,” he whimpered, clinging to Jensen. “It was fucking Diana.”

 

Jensen stiffened, but continued to hold him close, trying to comfort him somehow.


End file.
